Jane Needs Touch. Re: Love Languages.
I haven’t read the Love Languages book (he has one for children too), but if I had to classify my three-year-old into one of the five categories, hers would definitely be physical touch.
She expresses everything this way. She is very cuddly and has always been one to caress my face with her hands and just generally be huggy and snuggly.
That’s sweet of course. Not so sweet is that she expresses anger, frustration, and sadness physically too, as I’ve blogged about on a few occasions.
But it is helping to realize that she just has a great need for physical contact, because that I can definitely be proactive about.
Lately I’ve been vigilant about fulfilling this need. Like rubbing her arms or back while we read books, or sitting her on my lap and bumping my legs, or just snuggling up with her a little longer before I tuck her in for naps or bedtime.
I also try to notice when she’s getting worked up (and while I wouldn’t say she has a temper exactly, it just doesn’t take much to get her involved physically because, as I said, that is her primary means of expressing herself), and get right down there with her, helping her remember to say what she needs, and give her sister a minute to work something out before going at her!
And go at her she does! Oh man, if I don’t get there in time (or if Sariah doesn’t heed my warnings to “Run! Get away! You are bigger and stronger and faster and you don’t have to be her victim!”) Jane does not let her height disadvantage trip her up for a second. If Sariah is standing up, Jane will wrap her little arms around Sariah’s waist and hang on until Sariah comes down. It’s actually kind of cute to watch, as long as nobody’s getting hurt! It’s just so obvious that Jane is really trying to fulfill her needs for touch as much as anything else. I think she needs lots of wrestling!
(I do step in, by the way, I don’t really just sit idly by watching my kids hurt each other!)
(Also, whenever I write about this, I worry I’m giving the impression that my house is a constant sea of violence or something. We do have normal sibling squabbles, of course, but I seem to give it way more weight on this blog than it deserves. Now if I were to give my chocolate chip cookie obsession the credit it deserves, on the other hand, there would be room for little else. But that would be very boring.)
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Anyway, maybe I should check out that love languages book, anyone have anything to say about it? I think mine is probably “Words of Affection” — I just eat it right up, and, as you can see, I’m not lacking in the “words” department, and they say you tend to express yourself in the same language you receive it best.
mom
I’m pretty sure I have this book…not the children’s one, though. I have a pile of books waiting for you to go through when you come?
grannie
I’d surely love to give her some grandma touchy=feely
Chelsea Whitby
Great book (once you get past the cheesy-ness of it). I have it and your welcome to borrow it if you’d like. I took a class in college where it was one of the main texts and found that the ideas helped improve all the relationships in my life. I think it’s a must read for anyone who is going to interact with other human beings! ;)
Courtney Tam
I was about to reveal myself as a silent stalker finally commenting, but then remembered I had said something about your sugar posts awhile back. Anyway, here I am again. Love your blog.
Just wanted to put it out there that this theory of love languages isn’t supported by any research. I think it has some validity, but apply it as you would any other anecdotal/opinion based method.
Simply Mother
I didn’t think it was supported by any actual research — pop psychology-type books rarely are. Do you know of something actually written against this theory?
I enjoy all those little personality-type tests — I had a ball with the color code one a few years ago.
Simply Mother
Oops,I meant to say, “Welcome” and “Thank you” in that comment as well, Courtney!
mom
BTW…I’m all for the ‘touch’ stuff. Hugging and just a good back scratch or just someone putting their hand on my back or arm makes me feel so good. Probably the same reason I’ve always loved it when someone played with my hair…I used to beg you and Suz to do that, remember? I think there’s a really good reason the Good Lord gave us arms and hands….
Courtney Tam
No, I haven’t seen any research contrary to the love languages. Probably my comment was stemming from the cringe I felt at hearing from Chelsea that whole college classes had been built around this book. Certainly with all the research-based info out there, college classes could focus on something a little more substantial?
I am glad to hear you say you “had a ball” with the color code one, because it signals you were having fun with it. That’s how I see the love languages too — fun, like doing those quiz/questionairres in a magazine. I have implemented some ideas from it and felt like it didn’t hurt. But I have seen some people get over involved implementing one pop psychology idea or another into their relationships. Instead, as I am sure you already do, it is probably best to seek out empirically supported tactics for the most part and then do these pop psychology ideas in a more lighthearted manner.
By the way, in case it came across that way, I wasn’t trying to warn you or sound condescending; I did not think you needed help to avoid becoming enamored with any “fluff” theory. I was simply sharing my thoughts on it in general since you had asked in the original post. To sum up my bookish response, I will now use a metaphor. =) The love languages book is like fruit snacks — it gives a little lift to the blood sugars but can’t take the place of a good supper. heh.