The Three-Year-Old Refusal
Wow, sometimes I sound really grumpy, don’t I? I hope I didn’t imply that my little 3-year-old is constantly annoying me. That couldn’t be more untrue. The girl is delightful. I adore her. She is not even a “difficult” child by any stretch of the imagination.
She’s just three. And three is hard for me.
Two is not hard for me. I have never understood the “terrible twos.” We just don’t have it here. Sure, they say no a lot, that’s what two-year-old’s do. But a two-year-old “no” is so innocent and easy to deal with. They just say no first thing, almost automatically, like it just falls off their lips — it hardly even means no.
With my kids, as long as I didn’t assume they were being defiant, or bring a stubborn attitude to the situation myself, the two-year-old “no” never presented a problem.
A typical conversation would go something like this:
Mom: Hey, let’s go get ready for bed.
Two-year-old: No.
Mom: Okay… Let’s get ready for bed!
Two-year-old: Okay!
Three is another story. I don’t always no how to handle the three-year-old no. There is the obvious, “Why not?”
But that can easily get you into trouble.
And of course there’s validating: “Oh, I know it’s hard to go to bed when you’re having so much fun.”
But that doesn’t really get you anywhere.
I think I tend to just disregard it, and then come back a minute later with a different tact. Something that sidesteps the issue entirely. “Hey Jane, let’s be kitties on our way to the bedroom.”
This works well, but of late has required a bit of haggling first.
Jane: “No, I don’t want to be a kitty.”
Me: “Okay, let’s be frogs! Ribbit.”
Jane: “No… . I’m going to be a swallow!”
Whatever works for your complex little three-year-old heart, deary.
This is obviously not one of the more frustrating situations we encounter though. The harder times are when she doesn’t even put forth the effort to voice the “no” — she just ignores the request altogether, as in the example I linked to in the previous post.
Those are the times it is really hard to look at her and see innocence. I know it is there, though. I really don’t believe she is ever purposefully trying to get to me. I think it can really, really look that way sometimes. But when I really think about it, the idea is absurd. No little child would willingly ask for her parent’s anger.
No, there must be something else. Something … something … What is it? Come on, veteran parents? Experts? Help us out here. Those of us who struggle to see the “reason” behind this the frustrating behavior of three-year-olds.
I do think the reason the two-year-old stage is so easy for me is because of my perspective — I don’t see them as actually being defiant or purposefully trying to be difficult. This perspective is harder for me to achieve with three-year-olds. I get it sometimes. I come by it much easier now — the second time around — than I did when we went through it with Sariah.
When I do get it, life is smooth again, even at three, and that is why I think the parent’s perspective of her kid’s behavior is such a determining factor. Jane is just as sweet and innocent and sensitive as she was a year ago — but now she is encountering different, bigger, more complex emotions and she’s trying to figure out what they mean.
A lot of the time when she’s doing that I’m Ignoring You thing, it seems like she may be feeling embarrassment, fear, or worry and confusion over doing the thing she thinks I want her to do versus the thing she wants to do. It’s like she’s trying to sort out exactly who is in charge of what she does, and what happens if she doesn’t do what I want.
It does help if I can say something to get her to relax — give her a minute to sort thing out, let her feel my confidence in her, make sure Sariah isn’t saying anything to add to her concern. (Sariah doesn’t “tattle” in the usual sense, as a means of getting someone in trouble, but she does like to tell what happened, and I can tell Jane tenses up when Sariah talks about her like this.)
For what it’s worth, Sariah did go through this exact phase and we never did anything to “break” her of it. She did just grow out of it. That, along with working hard to keep our relationship loving and safe (emotionally). So I don’t think this Looks-Like-Defiance stage is evidence of some kind of permanent character flaw, or something I need to work hard at “stamping out.” It’s just the age. Or … something. Experts, feel free to chime in here at any moment.
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Oh, and by the way, Happy Thanksgiving and all that. How was yours? I know this site is sometimes more of my weird, personal parenting diary than a “Hey, here’s what we’re doing” sort of blog. Here I am again with the old dilemma. Do I bore all you homeschooling/unschooling, and peaceful parenting-interested readers with details of family life, or do I bore my friends and family the complex details of my mind?
But also, I haven’t been posting because we’ve had company — my wonderful brother and sister-in-law and their cute babe stayed with us this week. We had a lovely Thanksgiving at Matt’s parents. We have a great family. I love my inlaws. How many people can say that? We are so blessed.
Chelsea Whitby
You are never a bore! I’m taking detailed notes so that when I get to these stages I can refer back to your genius ideas!!! (By the way, I love that she wanted to be a “swallow”.) My brother always says the same thing about the “threes”.
grannie
I had perfect children.
Natalee
Hey Cathryn,
You are not boring. I have not got on the computer just for fun in a long time, and very rarely blog or read blogs anymore, hence the long lapses between comments.
As for your blogs they are very interesting, and for the most part I entirely agree and would never comment just to disagree, but sometimes I wonder if you are interested in others thoughts on the topic.
So just for fun I thought I would post a little of my experiences.
Mason turned 3 two months ago, and so far he is not a whole lot different than when he was 2, and I would in no way call last year “terrible.” In his mind he is much older because now he is 3, and is potty trained like a big boy, and therefore can dress himself entirely, and is even more qualified for chores (even though its a lot easier if they didn’t help), and helps regulate everything, lol. Mason is a blast to have around, and I enjoy spending every minute with him and Keelie, and cringe every time my Achievement day leader asks me to get a sitter for a particular activity. I hate to be away from them.
For the most part children are very well natured and have an innate desire to please, just like every man is born with the light of Christ. However, born with a physical body, they are here to conquer the natural man, which is to overcome temptations, desires, weaknesses, which one is also born with, and as their parent, it is our moral obligation to rear them up in the gospel.
Of course every child is born with different weaknesses, and therefore trials, and will be quite different from one another from birth despite the parenting techniques implemented.
As for parenting techniques, I do love the “playfulness,” that I sometimes refer to as “distracting.” but have found “sometimes” that when I use this technique, the root of the issue was not learned, and I am again faced with a similar dilemma the next time it arises. I’m not saying that the lesson would have been learned the first time around, but it makes you wonder if the problem is being ignored or prolonged. The majority of the time this technique is a winner that lifts the mood and makes all a bit more flexible and submissive.
It is late and my thoughts are jumbled, so I hope this is making sense. Recently, while pondering the behavior of my children related to certain situations I was enlightened to a parallel example. I had noticed that certain situations or behaviors from myself, inevitably yielded certain behaviors from Mason, and even Keelie at this young age. I was on a long car drive alone to and from Texas. Joe was especially worried for my safety, and for my sanity of catering to two young children and their food, comfort, and entertainment needs which can be quite trying on long road trips. The kids made it to Texas and back without as much as a whimper from either one of them. How could it be? i wondered. Sometimes, while traveling with Joe, I cannot get the snacks, books, music or toys back their fast enough. Then my mind was immediately reminded of the stories in the Book of Mormon when the people were righteous and they prospered. We know all too well the following behavior, which not always, but most likely happened. Then I realized that our relationship with Heavenly Father is really not much different than the relationship we strive to have with our own children. When we are blessed abundantly we tend to become prideful and whiny and quite often forget the source of our blessings, and then the Lord in turn chastens us because He loves us too much to watch us turn away from him.
Mason and Keelie undoubtedly already follow this simple pattern. They had both sensed the circumstances on the trip, and rose to the occasion. Above and beyond. Of course they are usually always good travelers but I couldn’t believe their good behavior. They just seemed to be grateful to be alive.
Of course I am in no way saying that a child who does anything but what the parent wants is ungrateful, or defiant, because I would hope that they felt comfortable enough, and intelligent enough to choose for themselves, I just thought I would share a very small aspect of why I believe children act the way they do, sometimes.
And lastly, although I have not read a ton of parenting books, I have read a few. Some written by LDS authors, and others with popular ratings, like “Love and Logic.” I agreed with the majority of what they were saying but ultimately came to the conclusion that the only way I could feel right about anything was to try and listen to the spirit in those certain stressful, or quick action moments, as it is apparent you do, in any questioning situation.
I do use the “time out” method occasionally, and had not even before considered it being the easy out method. Rarely, but sometimes, I feel it is necessary to “Reprimand with Sharpness, and then show and increase of love.”
We took Mason to Chuck E Cheeses last weekend just to have fun because he asked for it, and he is usually so well behaved, we love to fulfill his sweet little wishes. We spent hours there, and had a blast, and when it was time to leave, the line to cash in the tickets was enormous so we asked him if we could get a bite to eat across the parking lot at a better restaurant and come back to cash in the tickets when the line was smaller, and he got upset, which is unusual for him. But we had skipped his nap, and he had been spoiled and he was demanding we continue to do as he pleases. I took him to the car for a time out and told him games were a blessing, and he could come with us to get some yummy food and then cash in our tickets, or we could go straight home and cash in our tickets another time. I believe he saw the situation for what it was, and he became genuinely grateful for the fun time we had help provide for him, and willingly and happily went to the restaurant to eat some food.
I am not an expert, in fact my kids are still very young and I have much more learning to do. But I am trying and I feel like I am not doing too bad of a job. I am not suggesting that you feel this way, I just wanted to shed some light on some of the methods that I do use, and have found affective.
In fact, I do love to read your blog, and have considered and implemented many of your ideas and techniques. So keep the blogs coming!!!
p.s. it is so late here, I hope this makes sense.
Mom
Mine were all perfect, too….and they still are! ºÜº
Simply Mother
I am always interested in hearing other thoughts on parenting. :)
I wasn’t implying that anytime anyone uses something like time-out it is only for the sake of parental convenience. I really believe all intentional parents are going to find and do those thing that will be in their children’s best interest. And it really will look different in each family.
I just meant to explain that I do know there could be an easy answer to this little phase we’re in, and it’s sometimes tempting for me, but I know it wouldn’t serve our real purposes, so sometimes I’ll just sit there for a minute until I can think of something more in line with our goals!
Your children are blessed to have such a thoughtful, loving mom who genuinely enjoys spending her time with them so much. Anyone who has spent any time with Mason and Keelie can see that they come from a happy, caring home!
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And for the record, my mother, and her mother (Grannie) are both apparently suffering from a major case of willful amnesia.
nat
: ) Call it what you may, but your mom did raise some pretty good kids.
Reading your blogs has made me re-think many of my methods, and I do implement a lot of your strategies. What I have noticed for myself is that one strategy does not work for every situation. Sometimes I do take the easy way out because I have exhausted all of my other resources. I wish I could say I was more resilient.
Overall your strategies have made me much more patient, because it opened my mind up to a whole new horizon of possibilities of what could really be going on in the head of a child, instead of what it looks like to us. As a child I was often, is not usually, misunderstood. (Not necessarily in my own home, quite often at school, church, with friends.) I came across much more stubborn and negative than I really was. Deep down I was much more sensitive and good willed than I appeared. It was frustrating to me that I could not accurately explain myself. Since being married to Joe I have noticed that I can put my emotions into words and actions much more easily.
Not always though, for example when Joe’s family gets together for family functions, I feel very outnumbered and unimportant. They all get together and talk about their jobs, or more often, about how they all danced in high school. They would spend hours talking about dance and it infuriated me. I felt like I was purposely getting left out of some prestigious club, or that dance was some sort of status symbol. One time they got together and brought up the topic and I attacked it. I told them that no one except the girls who didn’t make cheerleader, danced in Texas. I would say things like, “my cousin who does gymnastics got begged by the cheerleading coach in Vernal to cheer because she had said, “I can teach any girl to dance, but I can’t teach any girl to tumble.” Then after the conversation I felt terrible. So the next time I saw them I told them how I was really feeling, that I always feel left out and unimportant to them. ( I know a few of them did do this on purpose) but a few of them felt bad, and it felt good to tell them how I was really feeling, whether they continue to do it or not.
I do think it is a little bit of a common courtesy not to do such things, but at least they know how I feel now. I don’t wait till they are all around to talk about soccer, or being in NHS, or making the Dean’s list in college, or my pathetic Associates degree, or how the University of Utah accepted me and asked me to go there when I had not even applied. (A professor at BYU-Idaho called his admission buddy there who called me and said I was accepted if I would go there.) when none of them have any college at all. In fact they don’t even ask me about myself or my life or anything, and it hurts sometimes. Anyways my point is, is that I know children can be feeling things that are hard for them to express, and I appreciate that you helped me better understand this. Apparently it is a lifelong process to acquire this skill. Haha. You would be giving your children such a head start to learn this at a young age.
My parents are constantly telling me how smart and enjoyable your kids are. Not like I already didn’t know, but I don’t get to see them near as much as I’d like. We are planning on coming for Christmas though. Hope to see you there!
luv nat
Nat2
Nat, maybe you should start a blog. That was a very enjoyable comment. Do you remember me? I once rode in a tiny red car with you from Provo to Housing Development, Colorado for Thanksgiving.
Simply Mother
You know, you could BOTH enter your links so your names would be clickable here. ;)
Nat2: Housing Development??
nat
Hi Nat,
I do remember you! Funny I never put that connection together before. I would love to have your link, but you really won’t want mine because my blog is oh so very boring. Thanks for the compliment, although it did make me wonder if you were hinting my comment was just way too long and should have been on my own blog, lol. Just kidding.
Thinking back about that time makes me realize that there are just so few cool people out there, and I took most of them for granted, including you. Hope you are doing well, and I would love your link so I wouldn’t have to talk to you through Cathryn’s blog. Ciao
mom
BTW…..and yes, please do bore us with ALL the little details. Just try to bore us…we can’t get enough.
Love you!
Nat2
Here’s the address, but not the link. What do you mean, so few cool people, lol? There’s tons of them! There’s so many I can’t keep track! Anyway, if you are more selective than I am, I am glad I made the cut!
Nat2
It wouldn’t publish the blog address when I wrote it in the field this way. So I’ll do it as another comment.
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