Simply Mother

Judging by the [lack of] comments on my last post, and the emails I did receive, I’m guessing I did not convince you on the homeschooling thing?

Well, okay then, at least join me for a little parenting discussion.

 — 

Here’s a quick example of how a bad parenting moment does NOT mean I’m totally ruining my kids for life. (Yes, I used to believe this. Somebody go back a few years ago and SMACK ME.)

We’re on our way to soccer practice. The kids are bothering each other in the backseat, which is understandably frustrating for parents, because what can you do? I don’t know what got into me this time though — there wasn’t anything especially dramatic going on, but somehow I completely [temporarily] lost my mind.

I glanced in the mirror and saw Jade (3y.o.) trying to take Sarah’s (6y.o.) hat off and suddenly just yelled — or, spoke loudly, I suppose you could say, but it was really emphatic and the words just came out all at once:

“JADE I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE YOU TO SOCCER PRACTICE IF YOU ARE GOING TO HURT YOUR SISTER IN THE CAR!”

You know how sometimes words just come out and you don’t even know where they come from — they’re not even really yours, you’ve just heard them somewhere before and something about the moment made them spill right out of your mouth?

Yes, well.

Of course she promptly burst into tears, which is what she does, but before she could even do that, Sarah immediately came to her defense, and said (equally emphatically):

“DON’T THREATEN HER!”

Now then:

1. The way Sarah went straight from being extremely annoyed at her tormenting sister to completely compassionate and defensive for her should be enough to quell whatever fears I may have had momentarily about them bickering “all the time.”
2. The fact that my kids feel safe enough to “correct” their parents when needed proves that the general environment in our family is non-scary.
3. I’m glad that threatening and using that kind of voice are rare enough that it is immediately obvious something is really wrong when it happens.
4. Jade, in her tears and blubbering, made some remarks that show how very self-aware she is. Among them: “I don’t like when people talk to me like that.” “I’m not as old as she is. I can’t do as many things.” (That last one was mingled with lots of wisdom that she didn’t quite have enough words to express, but it was definitely along the lines of, “You, mother, are expecting me to be able to stop and check myself on a dime like Sarah can, but you’re forgetting I’m still three years behind her and you need to keep my age in mind!”
5. A few years ago, I seriously would have had a major breakdown about such a horrible parenting reaction — consuming my heart with grief and guilt and worry that I’d just put on the straw that would brake the camel’s back, and my child would be a psychological mess for ever after. The kind of reaction that honestly made me want to give up entirely.
6. I am glad I am not that person any more.
7. I calmed down immediately with Sarah’s sweet little reminder of my parenting ideals and hugged and apologized to Jade as soon as we got out of the car.
8. Jade was over it before I had even finished apologizing. Children forgive and forget so easily!

So, any young mothers who are like I was once, take heart. Our kids are going to be influenced most by the general atmosphere in the family — not from the occasional blunders that are bound to happen.

Sometimes we even go through weeks of seemingly constant blundering. It’s okay. It happens, and we get back on track eventually.

And the kids, they roll with it.

Filed in: child development • parenting • self-reflection | October 27, 2009