Simply Mother

Hi, this is my little series about why and how we choose to homeschool. If you missed the beginning — what led me to begin considering such madness in the first place along with some good links on natural learning — go here: Homeschooling. Or Unschooling. Or … Something.

[I’m including some truly awesome photos here — my school pictures — mostly to give your eyes a rest from all the text. You can thank me later.]

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School, for me, turned out to be an enormous waste of time.

Time, oh, precious time! Teenage time. When you’re actually capable of rational, complex thought and your biggest responsibilities are maybe to keep your bedroom clean and take the trash out once in a while.

Squandered.

I was a “good student” from the start (and all the way through, if you’ll kindly ignore 9th grade).

I always “sat still” and I learned very early how to at least look like I was paying attention.

Honestly, I even tried to pay attention most of the time, though it was a constant struggle because I was just so bored!

Even if the subject could have been interesting, and even if it was delivered in a really “fun” way, if it wasn’t what I had a mind to do, I just was not capable of forcing myself to do much more than feign attention.

I am talking Second Grade here. Before I had even an inkling that I could just refuse to do what the teacher said.

But I learned how to play the game and, let’s be honest, once you figure that out, school isn’t all that hard.

You don’t actually have to learn much, or truly understand any difficult concepts, if you figure out how to take tests and can write a decent enough essay to make somebody laugh.

You don’t even have to read the books if you get enough snippets from the class discussion to make up a passable argument in a report.

And I didn’t. I didn’t want to read any of the books because I thought surely if they were trying to make me read something, it couldn’t be very good.*

My natural motivation to learn was all but obliterated as I deeply internalized the understanding that “learning” was something done to me , or at least directed by someone other than myself.Before I could even become aware that I was supposed to have it, I had relinquished responsibility over my own education.

I was to wait for instructions on what to learn next, making sure never to get too far ahead and definitely never letting on if I ever fell — (gasp, horrors!) — “Behind”.

Fear was a primary motivating factor in almost everything I did. This was most damaging in the elementary grades, because I couldn’t really comprehend the fear — it was just sort of a generalized anxiety surrounding schoolwork, grades, when to raise my hand, whether to try to answer questions, and pretty much all correspondence with grown-ups.

By high school, I was still motivated mostly by fear, but at least I was able to pinpoint it and understand it.

“I’m torturing myself through this dull chemistry homework because if I don’t, I might get a bad grade.”

The thing is, that’s not really so terrible a reason for a teenager to do something, and can actually be quite rational.

It happens all the time that unschooled kids decide they want to go to college, find out what the requirements are, and then study or take courses in things they aren’t necessarily interested in but need to learn about in order to pass the college entry exams.

The problem is that because of my previous eight or so years living with the ambiguous, incomprehensible fear — compounded with all the other things the schools did to demolish my interest in academia — my outlook on school and learning was far from rational and I kid you not, I went to great lengths to avoid learning what “they” wanted me to learn.

Amazingly, still, during all of this, I honestly thought of myself as a “good student.” Because I had good grades. Not a “goody goody” (because I hardly spent anytime studying), but certainly smart and becoming “well-educated.”

Ha! I got to college and realized how little I really knew.

I remember sitting in my American Heritage class, a huge lecture hall, and the professor peaking my interest with a passing statement about the Revolutionary War, but then he stopped and, waving his hand in the air, said, “But I won’t go into it, you guys already know all about that,” and moved on, but I was thinking, Wait, No! I don’t! I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention, I didn’t care back then but NOW I DO! I want to know! Please go into it!

I read as much as I could in my textbooks but I hadn’t really developed any good study habits as a teen and honestly, through college I was still suffering somewhat from the school mentality so it was easy to skip on by, making sure to get just enough to do well on the tests. I would search for true, deeper understanding some day when I had more time, when I didn’t have to hurry and learn all the superficial stuff for the exams. Even in college, real learning was often sacrificed to the golden cow of good grades.

It’s been several years since I graduated from college and I am definitely, finally, free of the “school” mentality. Now I could just strangle my teenage/young adult self for all the time I wasted because, oh how much wonder there is in this world!

How many fascinating ideas, incredible books, rich histories!

There is so much to learn and know, so many concepts to explore, debates to discover and study. There is the Great Conversation I knew nothing about before I had children and now I barely have time to scratch the surface.

I feel so foolish and uneducated and though it is okay and I am happy with where I am right now, enjoying this season of my life when the majority of my time is spent serving and caring for my little family (and I am learning and growing a ton through this experience), I do look forward to a day when I can really undertake a study of all the things I missed out on as a result of my “schooling.”

I imagine when my children are teenagers and old enough to appreciate complex ideas, we will just have a grand old time reading and discussing and learning it all together.

Some of you may be unconvinced and maybe you are thinking I am being my normal, idealistic self, thinking my teenagers are going to be riveted by a big, family discussion of Hamlet or Politics, but I promise you, I have no worries!

The world is a fascinating place. Kids cannot get enough of it and nothing can change that.

We can only dissuade them from being interested in certain things and dampen their initiative to explore and discover academic subjects — which is exactly what most schools do by trying in various ways to force kids kids to learn.

*Now I realize all those books were classics and they are classics for the very fact that they are good — they have stood the test of time, they are brilliant and moving, they change you as you read them. Sadly, the value of these books is lost on many kids in a compulsory school setting because they are bribed (with A’s) to read them. Most people get out of school and are happy if they never have to read another classic again.

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Whatcha think? Anybody still with me?

For the final part in this series, I’ll write a little about what our days look like. Right now, my baby thinks I’m playing a game with her as I try to keep her hands off the keyboard so I’m off to put us both to bed!

Filed in: home education • self-reflection | October 12, 2009