Simply Mother

When life gets too busy, I have some very clear signaling devices. Their names are Sarah and Jade. Well, those are their internet names, anyway.

Here’s something I wrote in an email to a long-distance friend this morning:

I’ll try to call today, but I’m also going to try to be more present with my girls today too. I feel like I’ve lost something. I don’t have as much authentic, natural power and I’m finding myself having to be more forceful in my voice and I think it’s because I’m not present with them enough.

It’s so easy to do that with Sarah — she will just go in her room and play by herself — big imaginative games — for hours, and not want anyone in there. But I need to make a point to be attentive to her when she’s out.

And Jade, well, she never stops wanting/demanding my companionship, so somehow she’s kind of easy to tune out/push off while I “get things done” too. So sad.

I know I’m supposed to be writing more about homeschooling but I just wanted to record that, because it is something I’ve noticed many times before. As soon as I find I’m having to repeat myself over and over, taking on a hint of coercion in my voice, and sometimes even contemplating little tactics to “get them” to do stuff, I know I need to slow down and remember to BE with my kids more.

Today I did it and, wow, I’m always amazed at how instantly my attitude shift changes everything.

I still “Got Things Done”

And it’s not like I was this total play-with-you-all-day, let-the-house-go-to-pot mom or anything. I still took care of some bills, ran a few errands, finished up the FHE lesson swap thing I’m totally late on, had a few chats with my husband, read scriptures (while nursing baby down for a nap), did a bit of laundry, and cooked dinner.

But my mindset was different. All those things were “put-off-able,” if necessary. My kids were the main point and all the “stuff” was secondary.

What’s ironic is, I think I get more done this way than when I’m focused on the other things and trying to put off my kids!

We had lots of fun together. I made a little game out of the dreaded Vision Therapy exercises Sarah has to do. We played outside. They helped me with my project. Jade allowed my cleaning up to pass as part of “playing house.”

But mostly I just remembered to giving real attention, and, when I couldn’t, making it a point to say, “In X minutes, I can listen.” Rather than only halfway hearing and then being called on it. Because they can always tell.

Luckily, they can also tell when my heart is in the right place, when I am thinking about their point of view, caring about their needs and wants, and making a point to really listen and be helpful and play.

It Works!

I don’t think I repeated myself once today. Everyone was so cooperative. The whole energy of our house was different. Back to normal, I should say, because honestly, this is how life usually is. We just get off track sometimes. Well, I do. My kids just follow my lead.

Parenting is such a process — and the more I do it, the more certain I am that the real growth that takes place is in the parent. Kids adapt and change so easily. It’s us who have all the rough edges and are so set in our ways. We are parenting ourselves, and as long as we’re constantly working at it, I think our kids are going to come along for the ride and be just fine!

Filed in: family • parenting • self-reflection | October 8, 2009