Simply Mother

Do all kids get so angry sometimes they seem to be “stuck”? Where it doesn’t matter what you do, what you say, there is almost nothing you can do to help them get out of it? In fact, the more you try, the more likely they are to slap their hands over their ears or escalate whatever disturbance they’re already making?

I’ve talked to enough friends with kids to think this isn’t uncommon, no matter how you parent. There’s really and truly no quick fix for this, and one of my friends, who, to my knowledge, has never read even one parenting book (not a bad thing), said she would read a parenting book titled, “What to do when your kid goes berserk.”

Some kids more than others

My second child doesn’t get there often, and if she does, it’s not for very long and I’d say she’s relatively easily “unstuckable” but my first, well, she’s intense and passionate about everything she does, anger included. I would not change this for the world, for I LOVE her intensity and passion, but I would like to be able to help her learn to productively handle her negative emotions. (A hard thing to teach, when I’m still learning myself!)

Anyway, at six (next week!) this isn’t happening too frequently. She’s pretty aware of her feelings and will often go off to her room or settle down with a book all by herself when she feels she needs to cool off. (Not to mention that we as parents have learned a bit and gotten a little better at not making things worse!)

Telltale signals

Still, when she gets to that point, and if you have any idea what I’m talking about, you know you can recognize the telltale signs–the scowl, the rigidness, the short words–I never know quite what to do and often find myself bracing for the worst!

So much of parenting is dependent on the adult being able to maintain her own balance amidst her children’s storms, and I’m often not very good at this. Last week, however, I was, and it was so amazing how I helped her “unstick” and avoid the struggle, I have to share.

It was actually over dinner–something we’ve never, ever had any struggles over, but we had a misunderstanding, she thought we were having something else, and didn’t find out until sitting at the table. She got all the signs, announced very forcefully that she WOULD be having what she was planning on, stormed out of the room, then back in. I stayed calm and asked if she’d like me to help her get something else quick that we had on hand. No! That wouldn’t do. More scowling and loud words, snapping at her sister unprovoked.

Trying to be nonthreatening, but clear about limits

I gently sympathized that I knew this wasn’t what she wanted but asked that if she wasn’t able to be pleasant at the moment, that she please go to another room and do something to help herself feel better. (I would have offered to go with her, but that’s the last thing she wants when she’s angry. She likes to be alone.)

Usually this is met with an angry “No!” and I think there may have been one this time too, but I didn’t give it magnitude and remained pleasant toward her. I asked her if she wanted something else and she said No! and then a few minutes later angrily said, “Fine, I guess I have to have that stuff.”

Lightening the mood

At this point I decided to get a little bit silly and said, “Oh, do you mean, Dear Wonderful Mommy who makes healthy-if-not-very-delicious-looking FOOD for me to put in my BELLY so I don’t STARVE, would you be so kind as to put some of that yucky stuff on my plate?”

Again, a short “No!” with her hands on her hips, but also a hint of an uncontained smile on one side.

So I said, “I see a girl with a scowl on her face and her hands on her hips.” Then I started started singing dramatically that Primary song, I said, “Does this mean, ‘Mother, I love you, Mother, I doo-oo, Father in Heaven has sent me to you-oo’?” while dancing around the room with my hands on my hips and smiling.

She could no longer contain the smile, took her food without further complaint, and, when she asked for seconds? There wasn’t a hint of negativity in her voice. The rest of the evening passed marvelously.

Pondering

What is the difference between this, and all my many unsuccessful attempts at helping her come out of it? I wouldn’t say every thing I said and did was even close to “text-book perfect” but that didn’t seem to matter. Obviously, the humor helped lighten the mood, but I think it also has to do with my whole demeanor. I wasn’t “set” on her HAVING to come out of it. I was actually anticipating her not–and slightly wondering what I would do if she continued to escalate but refused to go to her room.

But instead of dwelling on that question, I somehow just remained confident that we would find a way, that whatever it was, it was temporary, that underneath that angry scowl was a sweet, sensitive, disappointed little girl–who most certainly was not trying to make everyone’s evening miserable, but didn’t have the wherewithal to cope with her strong feelings at the moment.

Unconditional Well-being

This confidence, this ability to look past the current situation and maintain my own state of well-being despite immediate negative circumstances–it is what many great gentle parenting advocates talk a lot about, but despite all the reading, I’ve had a really hard time grasping it in real life situations. I don’t think it’s something that can be taught, actually. I think it has to be experienced, or maybe witnessed, and then maybe after enough experiences with it, it becomes habitual, a way of life?

I’m nowhere near that point. I just know it’s not something I can necessarily just tell myself to do. I understand what all the books say about making sure your own needs are met first though. There’s no way I can attain that state if I am extremely tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or at odds with my husband. I have to be “well” first if I’m to have any hope of leading my children there!

Filed in: parenting • self-reflection | July 22, 2009