Simply Mother

This post will be all over the place. Fair warning.

We’re back from a wonderful time in Utah (but a very UN-wonderful time driving.) (Especially if you’re my 3-month-old.) (Which, obviously, you are not.)

For the parenting-portion of this post, I just want to observe how absolutely important my attitude is in determining not only how I see my children and their various sometimes-difficult behaviors, but in how frequent and intense their “difficult-ness” actually is.

This morning, oh, it was bad. I was this close to sneaking away to my closet to blog about how no one ever tells you how sometimes? Sometimes? Mothering is so hard you want to give up completely.

It is, it is, I’m sorry, but it is, if you’re not a mother yet, you may as well know this now. It gets tough, and not necessarily because of anything specific your kids will do, but just because you are human, and have your own emotions and burdens to deal with and on top of that you are somehow supposed to be in charge of the care and eventual maturity of other beings, and sometimes everything just collides in a way that is especially conducive to an emotional breakdown.

[But then hopefully in those moments you have a totally adorable 3-year-old who will come in and calmly tell you, while rubbing your back, "Mama, it's okay, I will help you remember to use your gentle voice." Or maybe a delightful baby who will suddenly wake up cooing on your bed. And an intensely passionate five-year-old who will go from very, very angry over the fact that you wouldn't "un-wet" her blanket right away to absolutely enchanted with the aforementioned cooing baby, and begin calling for you to come and see her, thus dragging you out of your stupor to share this special pass-the-finally-awake-baby-around moment with your kids.]

So the morning wasn’t pretty, and even after the baby woke up, I was still grumpy for a while. A combination of the long drive the night before, not enough sleep, a minor tiff with Matt the night before that hadn’t been completely resolved (Am I the only one who has trouble functioning as a loving mother if she’s not on great terms with her husband?) and too many things that needed my attention right away–which tends to happen when you get home from a week-long trip AND you’re in the middle of buying a house.

But, I recognized my grumpiness and took steps to deal with it semi-constructively, including saying, sort-of-loudly and through clenched teeth but with a hint of humor in my voice so I wasn’t scary, “I am ANGRY. Boy I am really angry right now.”

And, in the same voice, listing a few of the things that were bothering me, and asking for help:

“There is a lot to do right now and I’m feeling stressed. Will someone please put these stools back in their place, I can’t handle having the house rearranged right now. I am going to get everybody some food and then we’ll . . . ”

It was really good to be able to express my feelings without being hurtful or using an attacking tone. My kids reacted really well, I think because I wasn’t blaming anyone or anything like that, they were able to hear my frustration and want to do what they could to help me. And once I saw that, I softened more and more, and my tone quickly went from angry-with-a-hint-of-silliness to silly with mock anger! It was really great.

The rest of the day was marvelous and the only thing that changed was my attitude.

I still had the mountain of laundry, the disgusting toilet that had been clogged for two days and plunged just before we left but never cleaned out(sorry for the visual, dear pregnant readers), the list of house-buying related phone calls and errands, AND a trip to Walmart with three kids and in which I not only had to buy groceries for the week but also shop for a bra.

(Because all my current ones are too small, a dream-come-true for my teenage-self.) (Trying them on in a Walmart dressing room while my two older kids try to keep my baby happy? Not a part of that dream.)

It was all there, all the same stressors, but I was consciously trying to be positive and enjoy the day, and it made all the difference. There were several times I noticed myself purposefully choosing my reaction, making it kinder, relaxing instead of hurrying so I could smile at their delight in the various ways to get around (ride in the cart, help push, hang on the side while I go slow, or walk ahead) instead of getting frustrated about all the changes, deciding to let go some of the little things that, when I’m upset, seem to be absolutely GLARING, but if I can be rational I realize they don’t really need to be addressed and everyone’s happier and moves on quicker if they aren’t.

Most things, I realized today, especially in the area of non-dangerous sibling arguments, work themselves out much more quickly and neatly when I let them handle it than when I step in–even though I think I’m pretty good at getting involved without taking sides or casting blame, somehow just the fact that I am entering the dispute seems to elevate it far beyond what it would have been had I given them the space to work it out. I wonder if they get a sense of trust in themselves and their ability to handle it when I am there but not hastily jumping in?

Anyway, it was a good day, even the store trip was pretty enjoyable with girls happily taking turns putting groceries in the cart.

–

Matt decided to “rest his eyes” for a bit after Family Home Evening tonight (he’s still asleep), so I got to work getting everybody jammied and brushed. Then when I was tucking Jade in, suddenly my stomach started twisting in knots and I had to go lie down before she was completely settled and ready to let me go. It wasn’t quite time for Sarah to go to bed yet so I asked her if she would go in and see if she could help Jade. She did, so I lay on my bed with baby and a few minutes later she came back and said, “I told her I would sing her three songs and I did and now I’m coming to check on you and then I’m going to go sing her one more song.” She rubbed my back and said, “It’s okay, Mama,” and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then I heard her run back to Jade, sing to her, and say good night. Then she went to bed peacefully.

I have three sweet little girls, a loving husband, and sometimes I feel like I lived a charmed little life. Amazing how that can be, even on days that start out like this morning did! We are so blessed.

Filed in: family • just life • parenting | July 6, 2009