Simply Mother

If any of you saw my recent tweet, you’ll know that I feel rather ridiculous posting “tips” about anything parenting-related. But I said I would post this, and it’s mostly already written, so here you go. Just know that I don’t claim to have any answers of myself, that nothing is guaranteed to work well or always (or even at all), and that all parents have to carefully navigate their way through difficult phases, trying different things, pondering, praying, succeeding, failing, and ultimately trusting–trusting that with love and patience eventually everybody will get through the struggle. And be better for it.

Now then. Some things to try, if you’re littlest one has recently been relieved of her role as baby of the family–and isn’t taking it so well. (Reactions vary; I wrote about Jade’s “symptoms” in my last post.)

Talk about when she was a baby

Emphasize some of the great things about when she was a baby–how you got to hold her so much and sing to her and feed her and change her diaper. Tell her stories about some things she did as a baby that made you smile and laugh. Show her her own baby pictures.

Help her think of good things about being big

Talk with her about all the great things she can do now that she’s NOT a baby–not to compare her to the baby, and I’d try not to sound like you’re demeaning babyhood, but just describe the differences plainly and let her decide which she prefers.

I’ve told both my older girls that I don’t “get” to hold them very much any more because they’re always so busy and they have a million other things to do all day, and they took great pleasure in naming thing after thing that they can do now that they couldn’t do when they were babies.

Validate the desire to be little

When kids act helpless, have potty-training regression, or express the desire to be little again, the knee-jerk reaction is probably to say things like, “But you’re not a baby anymore. Look at you, you’re so big! Why don’t you be a big girl now and . . .” All the parenting experts out there seem to say that this will just make her hold on even tighter to her desire. Either that, or she’ll learn to distrust herself, to feel wrong, to “repress” her feelings, yadda yadda yadda.

Instead it might be helpful to allow her to feel comfortable still being a baby. Validate that desire and tell her it’s okay to be little for as long as she wants to, she’ll know when she’s ready to be big. Let her know you’re fully okay with having two babies around. (Hey, it’s totally possible.)

Regular Special Time

Of course it’s important to make sure older siblings who are feeling displaced get a lot of extra attention. One thing I did with my oldest when my second was little was to have a regular time each day, when the baby was napping, allotted for the older sibling’s “Mama Time,” where we would read or dance or do whatever she wanted.

She loved this and I think it was especially helpful that it was planned and she knew (approximately) when she could expect it. She looked forward to it each day. I would be going to put the baby down and tell her, “Get everything ready for our special time and when I come out, I can’t wait to see what you have planned for us!”

When you have more than two kids, I’m sure it’s a challenge to find time alone like this, but I think even 15 minutes would be glorious for the child–it’s more the fact that you’re planning it, that you’re setting aside this time just for her, and that you’re doing something SHE wants to do.

Make a Plan and Role Play

[The following applies if the reaction tends to manifest in angry outbursts.] Surely we all talk our children to pieces about feelings and how there are appropriate ways to express them, blah blah blah. (What? I’m the only one?) But maybe role play doing some things with her, like running in place or doing jumping jacks or turning on some music and dancing, or screaming into a pillow or running out to the trampoline to jump for awhile.

Tell her it’s impossible to work things out if one of the people is angry, so they need to find a way to cool down first. Talk with her about making a plan for what she’ll do next time she’s upset, and tell her you want to help her remember, so whatever she chooses, when you see her starting to get upset, you can say, “Hey Sweetie, I can see your body getting tense and your face getting red, so go run out to the tramp and jump for a few minutes and when you’re feeling cool, come back and let’s talk about this.”

Use Humor

This is so hard for me to remember to do, but whenever I do, it almost always does wonders! It really diffuses the situation, kids just love to laugh and play so much, they can’t help but laugh at themselves.

Somehow acknowledge her feelings/behavior in a light, playful way, like if you’re close enough to physically intervene and you see her going at someone ready to bite, gently pull her away saying something like, “Woah, woah, woah, don’t want those little razor sharp teeth going into any skin there girl! What are you hungry? Hungry for little boy? Hmm…. do we have any little boys around here who want to be eaten?” And when they all say, “Noo, not me,” you can say “Oh man, sorry, we don’t have any of that kind of food for you today, hmm…anything else sound good to you? How about some . . .” Whatever…

Obviously don’t keep it up if she’s feeling teased or not going along with it, but often just acknowledging what she was about to do, without the “What is the matter, why do you keep DOING this stuff??” kind of undertones helps break the cycle.

Doll Play

Have you read Playful Parenting? If not, I highly recommend it. It is all about how important play is, how kids work through difficult situations through play, and how to capitalize on this in parenting them. The author talks about using dolls to put on a show or tell a story about whatever the issue is that’s bothering you, but obscure it a little so the child doesn’t recognize it and feel teased.

Or just give the struggling child some dolls and say you’d like to watch her play for a while, or play with her if she wants. (She’ll tell you what to do.) I don’t know about your kids, but mine clearly use their dolls (or cars or clothespins or whatever they happen to be playing with) to play out scenarios remarkably similar to what has been going on. I think it can be helpful for them to have you there, watching, acknowledging, accepting whatever they make their toys do. Kids are so innocent and honest. They don’t hide their feelings. Whatever’s troubling them is bound to come out!

Communicate Trust

This may be unwise depending on your child’s age and general attitude toward the baby, but I’ve noticed with Jade, when she’s touching Carrie (or about to), if my tone is one of warning, or worried and unsure, she is much more likely to give one of those extra-hard touches I talked about. But if I am very calm and expressing confidence in her, even as I’m giving a reminder like, “Carrie likes soft hands,” she really picks up on that and is very responsible with the baby.

Sometimes I’ll even ask Jade to go and comfort Carrie if I can’t get to her right away, and she loves this, and is always very gentle at those times.

Make the Baby Talk

Everybody probably does this naturally, but the girls just love “hearing” what Carrie has to say to them through our lips. We have a little made up voice (the girls make up a voice for her too) that we use to say things like, “Oh Jade, I love your sweet cuddles. I’m so glad I have big sisters to hold me. Oh, this is so nice, having you rub my head.” Or, “Could you please give me a little kiss on my nose and then let me have some space?” And, “My tummy would like to be patted,” (when she’s currently all over her face!)

That’s all I can think of for now. Do please share your best strategies in the comments section!

Filed in: parenting | May 20, 2009