New sibling jealousy: Symptoms
I got an email looking for suggestions to help an older sibling cope with the arrival of a new baby. Not that I really know anything for certain about parenting, but I have read about a zillion books on the topic.
So naturally, in true Kate-fashion, I sent not just a couple quick suggestions but a whole novella filled with every idea I could think of that I’ve heard or read over the last few years. My husband, who likes to tease me about my long-windedness, glanced at the email I sent and was like, “I’m sure she got your response and thought, ‘Oh good, a book!’”
Right. Fair warning. You can email me, but be prepared for an onslaught of words in your inbox. I can’t help it, I think it’s a disease.
Anyway, I need to take a look at what I wrote because Jade’s jealousy seems to be intensifying. It feels weird calling it “jealousy” in her case, because she hasn’t ever [verbally] expressed anything but sheer adoration for Baby Carrie, but it’s obvious there is something like that going on–it’s just being expressed a little differently.
I wrote before about the difficulties Jade started having the day after Carrie’s birth, which included aggression and hostility toward her older sister.
It also included a potty regression, which I know, totally normal, except that get this: She wasn’t even using the potty at all before Carrie was born.
Up until the birth, Jade continued to talk about how she was still a baby, still little, and we were just going to have two babies. I validated that desire from the start, telling her it was perfectly okay and she would “get big” when she was ready. She had no interest in the potty, and I rarely if ever, asked her about it.
Then Carrie came and she suddenly was most definitely a “Big Sister” and “Not a Baby”–she was quite insistent about this, and still is. She also started potty training herself. And then a few days later, despite zero pressure from anyone, she started resisting herself about it, if that is possible. I let her know it was absolutely up to her, and I was okay with changing her diaper (though she knows I prefer not to, of course). So she gave it up for a few days, maybe a week, but then went right back to it and has been doing it mostly consistently for several weeks now.
It seems like she is pushing herself to be big, for some reason. At the same time, I think she has mixed feelings about it, so she’s resisting herself too! Crazy! Even after I’ve tried so hard to avoid giving her the impression that she “should” grow up, use the potty, or be more independent! I thought if she felt completely free and knew that I was happy with her just how she was, she would naturally and painlessly progress into more independence as she was ready. But here she is putting pressure on herself! Weird.
Anyway, lately she’s gaining more control over her grabbiness with Sarah and she’s not really getting all hysterical over tiny things anymore. Her jealousy/sibling rivalry/feelings of displacement are being expressed mostly like this: She is super-obsessed with holding, touching, and loving on the baby.
As soon as I say something to imply it’s time to give the baby some space, she’ll make sure her last “touch” has a little extra pressure. Actually, I don’t even have to say anything–just hover a little closely–anything to remind her that maybe she needs supervision around the baby. (Amazingly, I can tell her to let the baby sleep while I take a shower or otherwise go out of the room, and she will listen, despite the compelling urge she seems to have to gravitate toward her. I think it has to do with the matter-of-fact tone I use–one that is just giving information, not implying that she might want to bother her.)
Last night, when I was getting ready to tuck the older girls in and take Carrie out of the room, I told Jade to say goodnight to Carrie (she was already smothering her with kisses), and she actually swiped her hand over Carrie’s face and made a scratch near her eye that bled!
I of course wasn’t so calm in my reaction–not mean or anything, just kind of a surprised Ohhhhh! Jaaade! and a gentle but not extremely loving shove off of the baby. And she just cried and cried and I’m not totally sure what exactly her cries were about.
Was she sad that I was upset with her for hurting Carrie? Sad that I’m not understanding her feelings that lead her to do these things? Sad that SHE doesn’t understand them? Sad that her baby sister was hurt? And she was the one to do it?
I cuddled her right away and, since Carrie was crying, Jade went right back to loving on her and I showed her where she was bleeding (it was just a tiny speck, not actually bleeding) and she kissed her gently and told her she loved her and then cried some more.
This morning when she woke up, she came in and climbed up on my bed and gave Carrie loves, saying, “I won’t hurt you anymore today, Carrie.”
Aagh. This is so tricky. It’s so disappointing when, even though I feel like I am very empathetic and totally understand where it’s all coming from and I’m (generally) responding in the very best ways I can think of, there just doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to alleviate her stress over it.
Next post will be all those suggestions I emailed my friend, because I definitely need to review them!
Leave a Reply