Simply Mother

Parenting is a challenge–especially when you’ve read about a hundred different perspectives on the subject, all claiming to be THE one right answer, AND you’re crippled with a rather controlling personality.

BUT. I feel like I’ve finally reached a relatively comfortable parenting place. At least for now.

[Note: The following post was supposed to go along with the one from a few months ago about how it's okay to say no--I'm just now getting around to posting it. "Late" should be my life's theme.]

For a while I had a really hard time when my kids asked for permission to do something I was uncomfortable with. I often found myself trying to find ways not to say “no” precisely, even when “no” is exactly what I meant.

But when that didn’t work (and it never did because kids can really, really tell when your heart is not in line with your words and they will persist until you get yourself straight) I would then say no in a rather unkind (sometimes you might even describe it as explosive) way!

Yeah, that’s some really admirable parenting right there, folks. Straight from “Uh, honey, maybe we shouldn’t, uh, how about instead . . . ”

to

“ALRIGHT, THAT’S IT! . . . ”

I am now much better at being direct and making sure I’m saying what I really think instead of trying to tiptoe around, but I want to explain what my problem was.

It’s not that I was “afraid” to say no because I’m this really passive, non-confrontational person who just has a hard time saying no. Not at all. Nor was I afraid of “damaging” their “fragile spirits” by not letting them do whatever they wanted.

What was really going on? Mostly, I was concerned about inhibiting self-regulation.

I don’t want to be the one to decide every little thing for my kids because I think childhood is for learning how to make good choices–and you learn to make good choices by making choices, not by having some all-knowing presence make them for you.

I worried that as soon as I jumped in and said, “No, you can’t eat that,” or “Stop doing that,” that I was taking away their motivation and ability to check themselves–and teaching them to rely on external forces to stop them from doing stupid things.

False Dichotomy

It turns out, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and I’m finally pretty comfortable in a working alternative to the false dichotomy of “Do whatever you think is best, honey, I don’t want to squelch your self-regulation by giving you any guidelines or limits,” and making my kids believe they must come to me for a dictation on every thing they eat, drink, wear, or do.

And it does involve me saying “no” sometimes, but it feels different than the authoritarian dictatorship I imagined because it is in the context of a whole conversation, where they are free to say no as well, everybody knows their needs and wants are cared about, and we are all working toward a solution that everyone is comfortable with.

For some reason, I used to think there were only two ways to go when faced with a request for something I felt uncomfortable allowing:

1. Tell them no in no uncertain terms.
2. Try to push that discomfort away and tell myself my kids know best what they need, and say yes through clenched teeth.

Kids know best what they need?

This is a sentiment promoted a lot in some gentle discipline circles and I agree with it in many ways. Kids can be counted on to self-regulate in a lot of ways if we don’t overstep them, they usually do know better than anyone else about their own bodies, and parents would do wonders if they would just listen to their kids more, instead of writing them off as stubborn or pronouncing other less-than-kind judgments upon them.

However, because of the kind of world we live in, using this as a reason to avoid giving guidelines and limits is probably pretty foolish. Maybe it would be okay if we lived in a different kind of world. One where they were mostly surrounded with good things and the wrong choices were clearly labeled–instead of masked in brightly colored, flashy costumes by greedy businessmen. But our world is far too full of damaging things enticingly masqueraded as harmless and competitively marketed directly to our children. Like Lucky Charms. Or any number of the vast array of inane cartoons out there. (Sorry–so not a fan of most children’s broadcasting!)

How it looks

I’m sure there are a million variations between the two extremes, but here’s how it generally works in our home. Instead of just dictating yes or no, if I’m feeling uncomfortable about something they’re requesting, I tell them why I’m uncomfortable with it. (“It has a lot of sugar.” Or, “It will make you stupid.”) And because I try to make sure through all our interactions that they feel I have their best interests at heart and am on their side, they generally trust my judgment. Then we look for a solution we both feel happy about.

It really works well, and unlike what you may be imagining, this does not take long hours and endless circles of negotiation. It might, if we didn’t have the trust factor, or if I didn’t show concern for their wants. But it’s usually no longer than a few seconds.

“Can I have marshmallows?”

“Hmm, those are mostly made of sugar and we already had x-sugary-thing today. Are you needing something sweet?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you like me to make you a smoothie? Or we have muffins?”

And they choose, or suggest another healthy alternative, and it’s over.

Sometimes I ask them for solutions too, and brainstorm with them about the reasons for doing things a certain way, and the [natural] consequences of each choice. I try to keep in mind that the point isn’t only to get to the conclusion, but to teach the process and help them learn good decision making skills, as well as making sure they don’t feel like all the decisions of any consequence in their lives are solely determined by someone else.

Maybe it isn’t perfect, or foolproof, but what is? Sure, there will be times when no agreeable solution can be reached and someone is going to have to be disappointed. Depending on what it is, sometimes I’ll give, saying something like, “I didn’t realize how important this was to you . . . ”

Or if it’s something I just really can’t allow or feel like I must simply insist on, I don’t say anything like, “You just need to do what I say because I’m the parent and you better listen to me.” I’m trying to lessen the effects of having someone else dictate their actions for them! It’s more like, “I’m sorry Hon, I know you don’t like it, and I hope we can find a more agreeable arrangement next time, but for now, this is how it needs to be.”

Sometimes I still worry. How do you really know when it’s a decision you, as a wise and caring parent, need to set some boundaries for, and when you need to recognize your child’s growing individuality, and grant her autonomy over that part of her life?

Filed in: parenting | May 5, 2009