Simply Mother

I can’t believe I’m blogging about this. Especially after trying to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist for so many years.

But it’s here, and, no matter how much I’d like to believe otherwise, it’s real.

I don’t really know where to begin, or how much to say. I don’t want anyone to worry, I’m going to be fine. I’m really focusing on doing the things I already know I need to do better, and it’s helping. I’m aware of what’s going on, and not afraid to seek help if it gets worse.

I don’t think I had PPD with either of my first two births, but that may be what I’m experiencing now. I wouldn’t write about it at all, but I know at least having temporary bouts of depression, if not the “clinical” type, is common enough that many of you can relate, and I don’t think it’s something that should be hidden. That just perpetuates the idea that it’s uncommon and even somehow shameful–the last thing people need when they’re experiencing it. They need to be able to tell someone, to talk about it, to feel understood and reassured.

I’ll be okay. I’m requiring myself to do the small, simple things that always seem so impossible when I’m feeling like this, but that I know will help if I do them. I’ve gotten up at 6:30 for the past three days, making it possible to read scriptures and get myself ready for the day before the kids woke up. I’m trying to be more present with my kids. Making myself be busy, stay on top of things. Not consume quite so much sugar.

We’ve gone to the park twice this week, and the science museum. I’ve made bread a few times, and granola. I’m going to a book club tonight with the girls from church. I’ve tried to be more focused on my kids, especially during routines–making sure we have enough time for lots of stories at bedtime, and remembering to enjoy it–rather than just “get through it,” you know? And you know, when I do that, when I make a small effort to enjoy the moment? It really works.

Kids are so marvelous. So full of wonder. Even during those times when it seems more appealing to just sit and stare, or wallow in self-pity, if I can only bring myself to look at my kids for a moment, just really see them, I can’t help but smile and come out of it, at least a little.

Matt helps too. Oh how he can change my world! All he has to do is put his arm around me, or tell me he loves me–any small expression of care for me–and my mood immediately elevates. It’s not a permanent solution or anything, but it is an amazingly quick and easy fix for the moment.

This is nothing new for me. I don’t think I’m ready to go into the detailed history quite yet, but know that I’m not entirely surprised, or without understanding. Someone mentioned B vitamins last time I wrote about how I thought I had a mild case of “baby blues.” I might look into that. I don’t know. It’s hard when the very things you know will help are the things that seem so impossible to do when you feel like this. Not that swallowing a vitamin is hard. It’s the part where you have to research which vitamins you need, and figure out what brand is good, and go to the store, and not worry about the money . . .

I’ll try to make my next post less, uh, depressing. :)

Filed in: self-reflection | April 30, 2009