Difficulties
I promise I’m not ignoring you, Internet.
Okay, I am, but it’s nothing personal. My little sister was here for a few days and I just had to soak up as much of her awesomeness as I could before she had to leave on a jet plan this morning. More family is coming (apparently you have to have a baby to get people to visit you when you live in Texas) so I’ll tell you right now I’ll probably continue to be scarce for another week.
I do want to record this though: The potty learning that was going on is taking a backseat (apparently along with the gentle, easy-going, and generally accommodating personality we’ve taken for granted in this 2-year-old) to the life-altering challenge that is suddenly being relieved of the role as baby of the family.
Don’t get me wrong, she totally adores this new arrival and would tell you many a sad story about how she doesn’t get to hold her nearly enough. And she still is this incredibly sweet little person–will still make your heart melt several times throughout the day just by rubbing your face and giving you a kiss on the cheek for no reason at all–but the change has shaken her just the same. As is being manifest in a myriad of new, um, difficult, um, behaviors.
Shall we make a list?
- Grabbing/hitting/scratching her older sister at the slightest (or sometimes no) provocation
- Screeching
- Laying claim on everything–even stuff she stopped playing with hours ago–as soon as sister tries to touch it
- Being resistant (more than usual)–saying “I don’t want to, you do it” to practically everything
- Demanding tons of attention, and, of course,
- Lots and lots of tears.
Of course I don’t know the best way to respond to any of this so naturally my reactions are very inconsistent–the hallmark of great parenting, that.
But at least I’m not responding angrily to it because I so recognize these things as distress signals. They are so out of the ordinary for her, and even though she doesn’t display any animosity toward the baby, it’s obvious this is a hard time for her. She’s letting us know, through her actions, that she needs help–reassurance, extra attention, something–but I don’t know how to give it.
How to be understanding and compassionate and meeting the “unmet needs” (whatever they may be, exactly), and still respond effectively to the things that I just can’t let keep happening, like hurting Sarah, or the things I just don’t want to encourage, like the whole “I don’t want to, you do it!” thing.
Maybe this is completely normal and we just need to do our best to keep everyone safe and otherwise ride it out. Maybe I need to focus on prevention, and be proactive about giving her attention–offering to read to her rather than waiting for her to ask when I’m in the middle of something.
I would say maybe I need to address some of these things with a firm voice, but I’ve done that (without anger, but you know, “conviction” or whatever) and it just brought on tears and clinginess and I realized that she truly is not trying to be difficult or “mean” or anything. She’s just struggling, probably doesn’t understand herself or the feelings she’s having, and probably really doesn’t understand why Mom would be anything but ultra-kind and soft-spoken to her when she’s obviously distressed. So distressed she’s hitting!
I realize also that these behaviors are all pretty typical of two-year-old’s anyway, new sibling or not, and a lot of it is probably related to the normal developmental milestones of this age. You know that whole autonomy-seeking/gaining independence/realizing-you’re-a-separate-person thing? It’s bound to be fraught with some difficulties.
Potty or Diaper?
I’m trying to support her through all this, and so, when her [self-initiated] potty training showed signs of detour–she seemed to be resisting it, despite all my efforts to not apply pressure–I decided to make it very clear that this ball is entirely inher court, it is totally up to her and I am okay with whatever she needs to do right now.
I know she won’t want to stay in diapers forever. If she just needs to hold on to this little symbol of babyhood for a bit longer, I’m okay with that. If she’s like her sister and she just needs to be absolutely sure it’s up to her and I love her just the same whether she uses the potty or not, I’m definitely okay with that too.
So yesterday when she started doing the dance, and had already hesitantly told me no the last time I asked her if she needed to go potty, I said, “Jade, it looks like your peepee is ready to come out. Do you want to put it in the potty or a diaper?” She confidently chose “diaper” and happily went to get one.
My sister was incredulous. She was wearing underwear. You knew she had to pee. She knows how to use the toilet. And you gave her a choice??
Yes, yes I did.
Was this stupid? Maybe. Most experts say I need to set up an “expectation” that she use the toilet, and then stand by that, and here I just did the exact opposite! I abolished all traces of expectation.
Except that I expect she’ll start using the potty consistently when she’s ready. I guess I’m thinking this is one small way in which I can alleviate some of the burden she’s carrying right now. She did seem to experience relief when I said that. Maybe I could do this in other areas as well. I don’t know.
I don’t know anything. The deeper I get into this parenting business, the more I realize I don’t know.
At the same time, I do think I’m making progress. As a parent. As a wife. As a person. It may be one step forward and six steps back . . . but there is forward movement . . . and I’m still hopeful.
Filed in: child development • family • parenting | April 10, 2009
gay chappell
I feel for you! I envy Suz. I envy your folks. I want to visit too…but when. That’s my problem.
Mommy Bee
nope, I agree with you. Bear has decided to toilet train himself–and pretty much done it on his own. There were a couple of times when he asked for diapers, so I put him in a diaper. There were a couple of times when he was running naked, and left a puddle on the floor, and I told him the peepee should go in diapers or in the toilet. He had a couple of little ’strikes’ (frankly I think they were stress induced, and the birth of a little sibling is a common reason for that!) but he got out of them himself pretty quickly.
I think back to the horror that was potty training with my older son, where we were pushy and insistent…yeah, not gonna do that again. Jade will be ready when she is ready, and if she needs a break, well, she’ll take one. And then she’ll be refreshed and ready to tackle it again.
She’ll get it down eventually. and meanwhile, what’s a couple extra diapers in the wash…it’s not like you’re paying an arm and a leg per diaper. ;)
Mommy Bee
Oh, and my best suggestion for teh other issues (which I’m sure you’ve thought of, and which I know is so much easier said than done, but which bears repeating) is that she is probably feeling ignored and needs some attention. Can you have a special date with just mommy and Jade, maybe while baby sleeps? Can you have a little tea party with real cupcakes? or read her favorite book 16 times? Wolf had a hard time with the baby addition (he was much older, which made it both easier and harder at the same time, but the acting out is DEFINITELY normal) and the thing that helped the most was to make major efforts to give him positive attention…and even sometimes to just plain ignore the negative behaviors. He wanted attention, but that wasn’t an appropriate way to get it, so unless there was imminent damage or injury, we tried to ignore a lot of the acting out and just lavish him with positive attention.
I know, extra time is exactly what the mother of a newborn does NOT have, but it’s what the big siblings need.
Does she still nurse at all? Does she nap? Maybe she can have naps snuggled with mommy in the big bed sometimes (presumably when the baby is also sleeping). Sometimes even time asleep counts as quality attention. :)
Rachel
I also feel for you.
We’ve so been going through the same thing with Soren. And you’re right- it’s so hard to know how to react. I know he’s feeling some sort of displacement or insecurity or whatever– so I try to give him lots of loves– but there are so many worries about how to respond to him. “Will he learn that inappropriate behaviors earn him extra attention and love?” “Will he fill even more displaced and neglected if I ignore this tantrum?” I’ve also been inconsistent, a thing I worry about as I try to drift off to sleep at night.
Who knew that mothering was such an answerless job? I find myself flipping through books and internet sites in search of THE ANSWERS and they just never, ever appear.
You seem to be leaning more on your own intuition and judgment, which is probably what’s best. You know your children and their needs better than any child rearing expert. I think your choice to leave potty training in Jade’s hands is absolutely right on.
Simply Mother
Mommy Bee, I know that’s what she needs most. I realized tonight that Sarah could use it too. My parents are here so all the girls are sleeping in our room (we pushed an extra twin bed against ours) so tonight I lay down with both Sarah and Jade until they fell asleep. (Matt was holding the sleeping baby.)
We usually do this with Jade still, but Sarah has gone to sleep on her own for quite a while, by her own choice.
But she really enjoyed it–and so did I. I sang to them and then just stayed with them, snuggling Jade and holding Sarah’s hand, which she gave a few spontaneous kisses while I was singing. It was really nice and seeing how much they enjoyed it just made me realize I need to do a lot more things like that with both of them.
Rachel: I’ve read so many books and articles it makes my head spin, but now I AM finally just trying to DO it.
Yes with a thousand different theories and ideas all mish-mashed together and making a gigantic mess in my head, but also with lots of prayer, intuition, talks with my husband, and, probably most of all, trial and error!
I’m glad I read first though. There are a lot of theories out there and a lot of real research has been done and even though it is all highly contradictory and confusing, there is a lot of good stuff and at different times, in different situations, little things I’ve learned through my studies will pop back in my mind and they are often really useful.
And now that I’m not so engrossed in reading this or that particular book, I can look at the situation, examine the theory or method, and make a real judgment about whether or not it fits and how it could be applied in this particular circumstance.
There ARE sooo many questions, aren’t there? And EVERYBODY has an answer. I think it’s great to read and hear as many as you’re up for. But in the end, we probably have to figure it out for ourselves.
TheOrganicSister
::hugs:: Such a hard time for a toddler. At least you’re ahead of the game by understanding she’s distressed and needs compassion. Perhaps if she starts lashing out you could scoop her up with a hug and explain to her that hitting (or whatever) is not okay but that she can come for cuddles anytime she’s unhappy. Or maybe she has serious frustrations that *need* to be vented – she may need a good cry to release it, or maybe a “wiggle dance” or even a pillow fight (in fun of course) would help her get out all those emotions she’s handling. It’s scary for a little one to feel all these big emotions and not know how to get them *out*! Lots of extra cuddle time is usually the cure though – even for my “I’m too cool” 9 year old. :)
Hang in there with your patience; with time and attention “This too shall pass”. ::hugs::
~Tara
Simply Mother
Tara, thanks for all the great ideas. It’s so easy to forget them in the moment, but the more I hear them, the better they sink in! It is a hard time for her.
But things have gotten better in the last few days since all our company left. She LOVED the company, but I think it made it harder for her too. Instead of, “Hey look, more people to give attention,” it was more like, “Oh no, more attention to lose!”
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