Simply Mother

Why is it that when I’m talking with someone in real life, we can see a particular issue completely differently, and yet still communicate respect for each other, be nonjudgmental and totally understanding of the other person’s perspective, and not feel uncomfortable in the least . . . yet any time I try to write out my views on a blog, I worry that I sound all snobby and intolerant?

I do a lot of things differently, let’s face it. I make diapers. I sleep with my babies. I tend to think school is a really expensive public babysitting service. I’m having a baby at home, for goodness sakes.

And I’m pretty passionate about a lot of these things. Many conclusions I have come to only after hours, weeks, months, or even years of study and prayer.

But? Despite all my research, despite all my passion, despite my strong convictions about the way I want to do things? I am totally cool with your opposing perspective. I probably even have a deep understanding for it–whether because it is exactly how I viewed things at a different time (as in the case of praising the epidural as one of the finest advances in modern medicine), or because I sometimes still find myself sympathizing with the view (as in moments of frustration with my kids when punishment seems a highly attractive option!)

So when I write about something you do differently, please know that I am not trying to convince you–and certainly not condemning you–if you don’t see it the same way. I know we each come into this with different life experiences, different beliefs, and different personalities. I can’t possibly speak for anyone but myself (And even then, I have plenty of my own conflicting thoughts and my views change and evolve daily.)

Hot Topics

Some topics, I realize, are just emotionally-charged from the beginning, and it’s hard to talk about them at all. And in general I try to avoid it. I don’t go around spouting off my weird opinions to everyone I meet. This makes for a lot of conversations where I end up being more of a closed-mouthed wall flower, but I’m okay with that because I’m really not too comfortable being “the one with all the weird ideas.”

But this is my blog. And I’m passionate about some of these things for a reason.

When I write about the “evils” of unnecessary interventions in childbirth, it is not to make you feel guilty if you signed yourself up for the epidural without a second thought (I did).

It is because I wish someone had spoken up about these things to me. It is because I was misinformed, and definitely never encouraged to look into the different options. I don’t think I was aware I even had options. I don’t care what choice women eventually make. I just want them to know they HAVE choices. And they need to know where to go to get good information (i.e. not necessarily their doctors with a 30% c-section rate.)

If I write about the wonderfulness and importance of breastfeeding, please don’t think I look down on you in the slightest if you felt you couldn’t do it, or if difficulties caused you to give it up early on. It is because I know there isn’t a lot of real support offered for moms who want to breastfeed. Yes, there is superficial support, of course. Everybody knows “Breast is best” blah blah blah, but there’s another, stronger message underlying that one (as evidenced by the fact that all women are sent home with a free Similac-logo-plastered diaper bag and several cans of formula) and encouraged to buy bottles “just in case.” That message is, “But you probably can’t do it.” That’s what I want to change, because, while it isn’t always a breeze at first, the truth is, most women CAN. We are just severely lacking in good help and authoritative figures who understand how important it is and are truly encouraging.

Purpose to Inform and Support, Not Divide and Induce Guilt

In short (I’m never short), my passion is NOT directed at individual mothers and their choices or varying circumstances. It is directed at deeply held, if often hidden, societal beliefs about women, babies, and our bodies. My purpose, if I had any real kind of influence (I have no delusions that this blog is going to spread the word very quickly!) would be to inform and support women, not tear them down or make them feel guilty.

Not many people I know “in real life” (or anywhere, actually!) read this blog. It’s not a secret or anything, I just don’t think many are all that interested. But I would hate for someone to read my birth stories or one of my posts, and then feel uncomfortable telling me about their birth, worried that I’d judge their decisions, because that is just so not how I am!

So you scheduled your induction to correspond with an important event? Great! So you tried to go natural but after several hours, it was just tough and you opted for relief? Fantastic. I might even do the same in your situation, who knows! I think women should be allowed to know the facts about their options. But then I think women need to be trusted to make their own decisions, and supported in them!

Despite how I may sound on this blog at times, I think (and hope!) my friends experience me as supportive. Even in the things where we don’t share the same perspective.

Embracing Differences

I have several good friends and I share some things in common with each of them but I don’t think there’s anyone who, if we went down some list of all the things we believe in, we would match up perfectly on every one!

Who wants that anyway? What would be the point, to have someone just exactly like me? Our differences are what help us grow and learn from each other. They keep life interesting. And having good friends who differ greatly on certain points is what keeps us open-minded, understanding, tolerant, and receptive to further learning.

Filed in: health • self-reflection | March 13, 2009