Simply Mother

I feel so discouraged tonight after a few pretty rotten parenting moments today.

It is nothing enormous–no huge, abnormal challenges or anything. I have a two-year-old who needs more attention and a five-year-old who doesn’t love having someone point when she’s angry and should maybe take a minute to cool off. Not big mind-bogglers, I know.

Easy fixes, really. And not.

Attention-seeking 2-year-old

Giving more attention sounds simple enough, but when you’re busy doing something and your toddler is letting you know she needs you by repeatedly doing things she knows you don’t want her to do, it’s easy to lose perspective and just want to say, “STOP IT!” rather than actually deal with the situation. Which might require–heaven forbid–putting away your project for a bit to, oh, you know BE A PARENT. (Yelling at myself, not you. I do that a lot here. Don’t mind me.)

I chose the stupid path today–using some version of the “stop it” method–not a yell, but a pretty unkind voice that said essentially that. Stop it.

Stop what? Stop having needs? Stop being two? Stop trying to show me in the only way that works (because I was ignoring or giving half-hearted responses to the initial signals of just coming in and hanging on me and asking a million why’s: “Why is there toothpaste in here, Mama? Why? Why do you think? Why?”) to get my attention that she needs a few minutes of connect-with-mom-time?

Of course I immediately regretted it, and the poor child–she is so unused to anything like that (at least from her parents) and it really shook her up. In fact, it took a lot longer to console her after that momentary loss of temper than it would have been if I had just given heed to her cues and taken a few minutes to read some stories or just listen to her for a bit.

Angry 5-year-old

As for my older one, so she doesn’t take kindly to having her own bad temper pointed out. Who does? I’ve known the solution for a long time, but I have such a hard time implementing it. It’s related to what I wrote about here, and if I could just take my example from Matt, I’d be fine.

When she’s angry–and showing it through her voice or facial expressions–he doesn’t point out the obvious by telling her stupid things like, “I see that you’re feeling upset, honey. It’s okay to be angry. What do you need? Is there anything I can do to help?”

That might be great for some kids, but it’s not at all what this one wants, and for some reason I can’t get that through my head! (Also: She does NOT want to be touched. At all. In fact, don’t even try to come into her space if she’s feeling fiery, not for a hug or gentle touch or anything.)

I think this is so hard for me because these are the things I want when I’m upset. If I’m sad or angry, I’d give anything to feel your loving arms around me (especially if you’re Matt) and hear your gentle words acknowledging my feelings and just letting me know it’s okay and you accept me just like I am, horrid impulses and all.

But this is not what she needs. It does not do the same thing for her. She is not me. Why is this so hard for me to remember?

What does she want? What Matt does tends to work great.

• Instead of stating her feeling out loud, he just seems to take note of it in his head and enter into a more compassionate mindset, allowing his voice to soften even more than usual.
• Instead of asking what he can do to help, he actually looks for what might be bothering her and offers something specific that he can do to help.
• If she looks like she could use a hug, he asks if she would like one first, rather than moving in without warning.

Maybe writing this down will help me remember?

Anyone else have parenting challenges today? I’m exhausted.

Blueberry pancakes will help. Definitely.

Filed in: parenting | February 25, 2009