Unappreciated
Oy.
Every time I give the “I don’t feel appreciated” lecture, I feel utterly ridiculous afterward, like I’m still a child, pouting in my room because “Nobody cares about me.” You’re asking why I do it then, and I ask myself the same question.
Reminds me of how parents are always shaking their heads at their kids, wondering, “When will you learn?”
That’s me. When will I, indeed? Why do I keep doing things even after they don’t work, or I feel stupid after I do them, or I rationally hash it out with someone and decide it’s not a wise thing to do?
It’s not a frequent thing–at least, not the actually vocalizing of it. I do FEEL unappreciated a lot. But I manage to keep from informing my kids of how “unappreciative” they are acting more than once every few months or so.
My friend says this is weird. At least, it’s not something she struggles with like I do. She says she just assumes motherhood is an underappreciated job. No one knows how much we do for our kids–especially our kids. It’s a given, so why be bothered by it? More to the point, why feel the need to inform (and guilt!) our kids of something that is pretty much a natural law of the universe and they really can’t help all that much.
So my child doesn’t happen to notice the beautifully arrayed dinner table, or the fact that I’ve just spent the last hour in the kitchen getting it ready, and instead is only aware that her place has been set in the wrong spot?
TOTALLY NORMAL FOR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD. Get over it, Kate.
/Yelling at myself. Going to bug husband about that hot chocolate date he promised me.
By the way, though, there are loads of new pictures on Flickr. Including the diaper bag I made today. And some from Christmas–including a very odd “belly shot”. (Keep in mind that is me several months ago. I am much bigger now.)
Filed in: parenting • self-reflection | February 20, 2009
Nat
Yeah right, you’re much bigger now. I highly doubt that tiny girl. I looked like you in that picture when I was 18 weeks. We’re probably now the same size and I’m 8-10 weeks behind you.
Rachel
Kate, I find myself thinking about this post occasionally and I just want to say that I think it’s GOOD to expect appreciation from your kids. Where else do they learn gratitude for the kind things people do from them? Show me a kid who didn’t learn how to say, “Gee Ma, thanks for spending so much time on this fabulous meal,” and I’ll show you an adult who isn’t very good at being grateful either.
P.S. I’m very happy to see that you’re reading “The Sea Wolf.” It’s an oft-overlooked but important Jack London novel. More people should read it.
Simply Mother
Rachel, yay, a comment that makes me think!
Yes, gratitude and appreciation are definitely values I want my children to internalize. Here, I was mostly thinking about my reaction though–why I resort to self-pity type feelings so frequently, and what message I’m really sending my kids when I complain like I did. I don’t think I’m really encouraging feelings of gratitude and appreciation when I do that.
There’s probably a better way of pointing out how I’m feeling, or helping them notice the things I’ve done, without being all guilt-inducing and sounding all “poor little old me” -ish, but whatever it is, I’m not very good at it! (I think it requires me to feel centered and “right with the world” regardless of how anyone is treating me, before I can teach this way. And I have a hard time getting there some days!)
Anyway, even if I could manage to ask them to tell me thank you without all the emotion behind it, I doubt that would mean they suddenly feel appreciative, know what I mean?
I don’t have any research or anything to back this up, but I’m thinking the best way to really instill those values is to make sure we show appreciation to them a lot, and just generally in our daily interactions with others–they will pick up on our own “spirit of gratitude” that way much more than anything else.
At any rate, I didn’t mean to make it look like my kids are totally ungrateful and I am their suffering servant! They actually express appreciation for things I do frequently. And they do really helpful things for me all the time too. (I just forget to notice sometimes. Or I’m just really good at ignoring all the positive things when I’m all wrapped up in this one little incident that’s bothering me, ya know?)
The Sea Wolf is an interesting read. My husband liked it and thought I would enjoy it and I am, but I’m not quite halfway through and I’ve been putting it off a bit lately with all the crafting and cookie eating going on around here!
Rachel
I see what you’re saying. Example, MUCH more than lectures/guilt trips/ranting and raving/etc, is the most important teaching method, so showing gratitude is going to be the most effective way of teaching your kids that particular virtue. Soren, for example, has recently started saying “thank you” spontaneously. Unlike “please,” this isn’t something we’ve coached him on saying, though I do make it a point to thank him throughout the day for things he does that I appreciate.
Still, though, you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much for giving the “I don’t feel appreciated lecture.” It’s good for everyone to know that Mom’s a person too.