Simply Mother

Ignoring dirty dishes piled on counter to sketch out some parenting experiences, and subsequent thoughts, from yesterday before I forget.

I’ve said before that parenting the way I WANT to just seems to come so naturally to Matt, whereas I feel like I have to constantly remind myself to be kind and patient. Here’s how all that played out yesterday.

Scenario 1

We were driving to Matt’s parent’s house (over an hour away) after church and Sarah started doing the moaning and groaning thing about just wanting to be there already.

I realize now that it is just so much easier for me to be patient and loving and creative with the baby/toddler set, and with older children I still have this mindset that is like, “Okay, yeah, well there’s not really anything we can do about it right now so can you just stop making all that noise?”

Fortunately I don’t say it like that, and I do remember to use kinder words and a gentler tone, but my motive and goal is still the same–basically, I just want her to suck it up and knock it off so I don’t have to be bothered by it all.

So as I’m stumbling over finding the “right” words and saying things like, “Okay honey, I know it’s a long trip and not much fun, but since we all have to be in here for a little longer, let’s at least make it a pleasant and peaceful trip . . . ” Matt comes to my (and her) rescue (she just needed to be rescued from the constant monotonous dribble of words flowing out of her mother’s mouth) by suggesting we play a game!

“It’s a pretty long drive isn’t it? How about we play 20 questions?”

“Yeah!!”

So we spent the rest of the trip trying to guess what the other person was thinking about (including: the lines in the middle of the road, a fishpond, a sandbox, and they still haven’t figured out my last one–a clothesline–because they were still stumped when we arrived.)

Lesson learned: Instead of just trying to make it stop (even if first giving the required “validating of feelings”), get creative. Accept the invitation to interact with her. Prior to this I was just really enjoying the chance to talk with Matt. It took Matt’s example to show me that, yeah, maybe as the parents we should take some initiative in helping a long car ride be as enjoyable as possible for ALL.

Again, this comes naturally to me with babies and toddlers. Crying baby, fussy toddler? Obviously in need of something, and the parental “sacrifice” necessary to give it just doesn’t feel like much of a burden. For some reason, this perspective is a little more difficult for me to grasp onto when the child is old enough to reason with.

Scenario 2

Now it’s time to go home–waaaaay past time to go home. It’s past bedtime, and our kids tend to become completely unreasonable, uncompromising, and just generally very difficult to be around when they’ve been up too late.

But we’re still waiting for something to download on Matt’s parent’s ancient computer because they’re tech-illiterate and Matt is helping is dad with something.

Sarah is asking for us to put on a movie, but Matt has told her we’re not going to for various reasons, mostly being that we really were “about to go” (although admittedly, we’d been that way for over an hour!)

Normally, this isn’t a big deal. She’s not dependent on the TV or anything, and she usually handles, “No, because . . . ” just fine. But she was way past tired and this became her thing to get hooked on.

You know the routine: It is probably more an indication that she needs help (getting sleep, in this case) than that she really wanted to watch something. If we had relented on the movie, there would have inevitably been something else wrong and she would have kept finding things to get upset about until we figured out the real problem and dealt with that, rather than trying to appease an endless series of seemingly life-shattering tragedies. Such as a misplaced pillow. Anyway.

Once again, I looked at the situation as futile for her, and thought she should just be rational about it and give it up and move on. I also happened to be talking to my sister-in-law who I haven’t talked to in a while, and didn’t want to get off the phone to help her.

When she came to me to say she wanted the movie and Daddy wouldn’t put it on, I acknowledge her feelings and offered a hug, but when that was denied and unappreciated and it became apparent that I was going to be barraged constantly with new and angry announcements that she wants a movie, I said I wasn’t going to listen to this and left the room so I could finish my conversation.

At that point, I knew I was filled with righteous justification. “I shouldn’t have to listen to that.” “She shouldn’t get to interrupt my phone call.” Yes, maybe, but where was my compassion? Where was my understanding? What about long-suffering? And kindness even to those who aren’t being so kind to us?

See, with a baby, I would have had no problem with this. “Uh, hey, Sister-in-Law, I’m sorry but I think I better call you at a better time, my babe’s really needing some attention right now.” No problem. No feeling put out or unfairly treated.

And I KNOW five-year-old’s are still pretty young. Yes, much more able to deal with little troubles and waiting for things than babies and toddlers, but they still reach the point of just really not being able to handle things sometimes, especially when their parents are irresponsibly denying them a restful place to sleep!

Luckily after I left, Matt went over and sat with her and talked and, though all her responses initially were, “MOVIE!” after a few moments of patient, quiet talking, he had her smiling and even laughing and then the computer thing downloaded and we got in the car and everybody under 6 fell right to sleep and I contemplated what an excellent parenting example I have right in front of me and all these thoughts raced through my mind last night as I was trying to sleep so now I’m just going to hit publish and share them with anyone who cares to listen.

Because apparently now I’m going to read this pile of books my kids just stacked on top of me. Mom: It is Time. To. Get. Off. The. Computer.

Filed in: parenting • self-reflection | February 16, 2009