Simply Mother

So I have this little composition book-turned-planner thing that I use as my brain. I’ve divided it into sections: A place for calendars (one page per month + a full year at a glance version), a big section for To Do lists (includes shopping lists), a place listing books I want to read, a long-term wishlist, a phone numbers and address section, a place for recording all the money I spend, and a giant section for writing notes.

The notes section contains many of the little thoughts and questions that go fleeting through my mind at a rate of like a bajillion miles an hour every day. Because my mind is crazy. And never stops. Seriously. NEVER STOPS. It reels and reels in every direction and endless circles as I analyze and overanalyze Every. Little. Thing.

This is why it takes me hours to fall asleep. Well, that, and this massive bump on my belly that is affecting nearly every system of my body in a most inconvenient way.

• Circulatory, check. (Why, hello, varicose veins.)
• Respiratory, check. (CANNOT BREATHE. Baby taking up way more than her share of space.)
• Digestive, check. (It’s all messed up. Baby squishing EVERYTHING.)
• Endocrine, check. (Can you say hormones? How about “Cries about everything.” And also nothing. Even though I NEVER cry when I’m not pregnant. I can’t even MAKE myself cry when I’m not pregnant.)
• Urinary, check, check, check. (60 hundred million times a day. Plus whenever I have to cough or sneeze and whenever I have a contraction.)

So, sleep’s a little extra hard to come by these days, yes? But even without all this, I still lie in bed for hours before drifting off, solely because I can’t make my mind shut up!

I used to take drugs for this. From about age 13 or 14 right up until the day before I got married, I took a prescription sleeping pill every night. If I didn’t have it–say, I ran out on the weekend and I was at college and had no car and no way to get to the pharmacy for a refill? I’d stay awake. For days.

When I was getting married I thought, hey, there’s a chance I could get pregnant now. And when that happens I’ll surely have to wake up with the babe during the nights. These sleeping pill certainly don’t allow for that, so I guess I better figure out how to fall asleep on my own!

And I did. I ditched the pills and I’ve figured out how to do without them. There have still been many sleepless nights, and yeah, I can count on lying in bed for at least an hour before even getting close to falling asleep.

And I look over at my husband in absolute astonishment on the nights when, a mere TEN MINUTES after getting into bed he’s tossing and turning and groaning and all like, “Aarrrgh. I cannot sleep!”

Kinda makes me want to throw a pillow at him.

But I do get to sleep eventually, most nights.

Anyway, that’s not AT ALL what this post is about. It’s about the notes in my notebook. And how some of them might wind up published here on the blog. Starting right now, in this very post.

This was just a short list I came up with–derived from little experiences I had that day–of “Ways of Being” that I’d like to teach my kids. Since the only real way to teach these kinds of things is through example, I titled the list “Things I Want to Model.”

1. It’s okay to say no. Related: Saying No Kindly.
2. Taking criticism gracefully.
3. Responding compassionately to people who are being offensive.
4. Cleaning happily and serving willingly.

I know, I know, a list like this could be miles long, but these were the things that came to mind this particular day that I wanted to work on.

And don’t you worry your pretty little head, I AM going to expound on each of these. At great length, no doubt. I might even give each one it’s own post.

But tonight, I’ll leave you with just this post. Which turned out to be mostly about sleep and pregnancy. Pregnancy. I think all pregnant women should probably have a blog devoted solely to kvetching about the many myriad problems that go along with growing another person inside of you. Because seriously, right now? I am soooo done with this. And I still have two more months. TWO MORE MONTHS.

Did I mention I CANNOT BREATHE? Already! And this baby? She DOES NOT STOP MOVING. The other day I tried to take a nap. The baby literally turned around in constant somersaults for an entire HOUR. If I had to guess, I’d say there were at least six little people in here. I don’t see how one baby could be this busy. And I can’t breathe. And the heartburn. Ohhhhh, the heartburn!!

Pregnancy requires lots of whining. If you’ve ever been pregnant before, or lived with someone who was pregnant, this is not news to you.

Will go whine to husband now. You need a break. You’ve done a great job listening. ;)

Filed in: family • parenting • pregnancy • self-reflection | February 1, 2009