Simply Mother

Yeah, we are in that stage. I don’t remember it with Sarah–is this one of those blessed cases of amnesia, like how you forget just how uncomfortable pregnancy is, so you’re actually willing to do it again–or did we just escape relatively unscathed (in that area) with our first?

Maybe it’s not quite so hard to be two when you’re the only child around? I don’t know, but Jade is having a bit of a rough time lately. So many things produce tears and–just as soon as you make any moves to comfort or question or, uh, exist–screaming.

As you may know, if you’ve ever had a 2-year-old, it’s rather impossible to have anything resembling a rational conversation when every sentence you utter is met with a blaring “Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh” before it’s even fully formed.

“Honey, what’s — ”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

“Do you nee — ”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

“How can I — ”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

. . .

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Go AWAY!

Right. But then of course if you oblige that, you’re thanked with more of the “Aaaaaaaahs” only these are shorter because they end in hysterical tears.

We will manage. I am feeling very proud of myself for being so mature and not taking it personally. It makes it a lot easier to cope with–and actually maybe be of some benefit to her, if and when we ever get past all the screeching–if I’m not beating myself up every time wondering what I’m doing wrong!

I can really see that she is having a hard time. I don’t see her as “manipulating” me or anything (she’s not even trying to get anything; she doesn’t even appear to have any idea what she wants), but I also don’t see her frustrations as a direct implication of my failure as a mother. That may seem a little strange to say, but that is absolutely how I felt for a long time with Sarah. So not a good place to be!

But I think I’m past it now. Which makes it a lot easier to feel compassionate toward her (you know, if I’m not all wrapped up in myself and all the things I’m doing wrong, it makes sense that I can focus on someone else!) Even if I still have no idea how to direct that compassionate energy, because of, you know, all the screaming as the result of every attempt.

This is obviously not an isolated occurrence–everyone knows two can be a rough age, but why? And why does it so commonly manifest itself so, uh, loudly? I’ve been studying Jade lately, and it seems she is really quite stuck. She does have a pretty amazing vocabulary–she’s been speaking in whole paragraphs since before she was 2–but still, I can see from her facial expressions that her perceptions of her experiences are just too complex for her little mind to formulate coherently. So it all comes out in one big yell.

And then she has all of us coming at her with all our questions and “helpful” but unwanted advice and probably the thought of having to answer to us, to explain herself or tell us what she needs–when SHE doesn’t even understand it–is just overload on her brain, so everything thereafter comes out, likely in just the way she is feeling inside, in one big scream.

Obviously this is all just my own perception, and of this one child I have here to examine at that. But now that I’ve thought this all through, I’m feeling even more compassionate for her. I think I understand a little better. I think I was beginning to worry that maybe I’ve “allowed” the screaming thing to get out of hand, that I need to somehow “get tough” on her about it.

But now that I’m really trying to get inside her head and imagine what it might be like for her, instead of just worrying about how it’s affecting me, the thought of trying to add more stress to her by getting on to her for all the screaming just seems like so not the thing to do. Not to mention that it would be totally counter-productive. If she’s screaming because of emotional overload, and inability to express that emotion, I don’t think adding more negative emotion-fueling things to the mix would be such a good idea!

So, one day at a time, and pretty soon I’m sure I’ll wake up one day and be like, hey, didn’t one of my children used to do that awful screaming thing whenever they got frustrated? When did that stop? Like so many other things, I’m sure this won’t last very long, and we’ll be on to bigger and tougher challenges! And maybe even more prepared for them, if we get through this with our relationship intact!

Filed in: child development • parenting | January 26, 2009