Simply Mother

Today was a pretty good day. I was consciously trying to do a few particular things right, and I think I succeeded.

I spent most of the day sewing but tried hard to pull myself away for things like making meals–on time, BEFORE people start getting their panties in a wad, and helping with sibling squabbles that seemed to merit my attention (usually because they were actually asking for it in some way.)

I was really mindful in everything I said, and though none of it would probably be labeled fantastic by any parenting expert out there, it felt good and right just because I was consciously responding, rather than reacting on impulse, or out of annoyance that I’m being interrupted again, or something. And the kids responded really well; we all just had a good time together.

I didn’t get up that early, but we did wind up all sitting down together after breakfast and snuggling on the couch, reading scriptures and sipping hot chocolate. The girls’ play took off from there, as usual, and they drifted in and out of the living room (where I sat sewing), bedroom (including inside a little blanket-tent under the top bunk), and backyard (it was beautiful out.)

I had a couple of specific things in mind that I wanted to pay attention to today. One was what I wrote about last night–my drive to be constantly doing something “productive”, which can have the unwanted side-effect of putting off my kids, and the other was something brought up in a recent online discussion. The topic was “finding time to be WITH the kids” and I’ll explain it to you the easy way, by posting what I wrote:

There are times when we spend lots of time together and then other times when I get to the end of the day and feel a little guilty that I didn’t really do much with my kids.

We do read together everyday, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little depending on how much other stuff we have going on. Lately I’ve been sewing a lot and noticed my older one getting a bit bored and mopey at times. But just when I start to feel guilty and wonder if I should stop what I’m doing to give her some attention? She gets involved with something on her own.

The boredom thing is new though–she has NEVER been one to be bored. I don’t think she even knew the meaning of the word until recently. She has just always been so BUSY and one of the things I’ve loved about being her mother has been watching her go from activity to activity with such ease, such flow.

Now that she has the occasional slump, I wonder what I should be doing–and also what has caused it. Is it normal for this to happen at this age? Have I done too much initiating of activities? Too little?

I have noticed that when I interrupt their play to do something I want to do (like for awhile there we were trying to have a short devotional type thing every morning–which they LOVED and wanted to do at first, but then started resisting, and as soon as I realized it was achieving pretty much the opposite of its goal, I gave it up.) . . . Anyway, whenever I interrupt them because I’m ready to read or play or cook or clean or whatever, well, they might go along with what I want to do, but then when I’m done, and ready to move on to something else, they seem to have a really hard time moving on. They kind of cling to me, or get restless, bored, bother each other, etc.

I’ve wondered if my going in and prescribing the current activity (even if they’re totally up for it and there’s no resistance) somehow temporarily undermines their ability to self-initiate the next activity?

The last part that I bolded is something I’ve been wondering about for some time, and another mom responded that she had noticed a similar pattern, and also that if she waits for them to interrupt her, of course they do it at the worst possible moment.

So today I was watching for all of this. I already planned on spending a long time reading with them sometime in the afternoon, but I didn’t know when. Then Sarah asked about it by showing me the book we’ve been reading and looking at me questioningly, while I was cutting fabric.

My solution was to tell her when I would be ready to do it, so I’m not just dropping what I’m in the middle of (which of course as a mom may be necessary at times, but this wasn’t desperate at all–it was still pretty early in the day, and they were busying themselves really well–she was really just asking if we were going to read it–not necessarily to do it right. now). I said, “I’m going to finish cutting out these pattern pieces, and then I’ll take a break before I start sewing and let’s have a snack and read.” She smiled and moved right on to the next thing.

When I got to my stopping point, I noticed the girls were really involved in their game, and with that online discussion in mind, I decided not just to jump in and be all, “Hey, I’m here, I’m ready, it’s time to read now.” They would have acted ecstatic and jumped right up for it, but remembering what always happens afterward when I do that, I decided to be a little more subtle.

What did I do? Oh, you know, it’s really quite simple, any number of things would have worked. How do you get busy, involved kids to stop in the midst of an exciting game and suddenly want all your attention? In my case, all I need to do is either get on the phone, or sit down with a book. Obviously the latter was a better choice for my intentions. I just sat on the couch with my book and in no time I had both girls clamoring around me, asking me for various things.

With all their attention already directed at me, I asked if they were ready to read now and off they went in different directions, gathering pillows and blankets for a cozy reading spot on the couch.

And when I was done and I was ready to get back to my project? Wow, like magic, I announced my desire and they got up and went right back into their play. No moping around or clingy restlessness at all.

So I guess the answer is, I don’t have to drop everything the moment they want me for something–but I also needn’t come bounding in asking for their involvement when they’re already in the middle of something.

The best way to ensure we spend time together (rather than just working on our own interests side-by-side, which I think is really great too, and by far what we spend most of our time doing) is to plan for it, get ready when I say I will*, make myself available, and then wait a few minutes for them to come around. (At this age, it doesn’t take long!)

*This is where I usually fall short, because they always seem to be involved in something when I’m at a good breaking point. It would have been so easy today when, upon finishing the cutting, I saw that they were still happy and going strong, to just move right on to sewing. But that would have meant waiting for someone to get upset and need my attention, rather than proactively predicting the need and providing for it. And it’s so much easier to give attention when I’m doing it purposefully, because I WANT to, rather than when it feels like it’s being “demanded” of me, ya know?

It was good. We all had a good day. I finished my nightgown this evening while Matt strummed along on his guitar and the girls played around in the same room, talking with us and involving us in their worlds much of the time.

(Jade kept coming up to me and asking me my name, which I was supposed to change every time, and then shake her hand. Sarah was continuing a complicated game from earlier that I never completely understood but it involved her writing a bunch of squigglies on a new line in her notebook every time she talked to me. And she talked in a very formal, businesslike manner. I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be her boss, and my name was Kaylena, but that’s as far as I got.)

After the girls were in bed, Matt and I enjoyed a soak in the hot tub and then I finally took a shower. (It’s been . . . a while.) It’s crazy but I even have to fight those pesky “get things done” feelings to make myself do something as lovely as relax in a hot tub with my sweetie! (Once I was there though, I was sure that was exactly what I needed to be doing!)

Filed in: family • home education • parenting • self-reflection | January 21, 2009