Why can’t I slow down?
I am so busy, I am moving constantly throughout the day. I jump from one thing to the next without missing a beat, and usually I’m doing at least two or three things at a time. And it’s not necessarily out of need, it’s out of this incomprehensible urge I have to always be GETTING THINGS DONE. The thought of sitting down and resting, taking a break, not doing something productive–for even a minute–fills me with dread. Why? Where does this come from?
My to do list is always long and exhausting just looking at it, and yet, I CREATE a good portion of those things that “need” to be done. I create them because they are things I really want to do, things I think I will enjoy or they will otherwise somehow enrich my life. Things like sewing nightgowns for myself and the girls, trying to perfect a nutritious, whole wheat muffin recipe, or uploading every book I can remember reading in the last seven years, complete with ratings and reviews, onto my website.
With all these things in my mind that I want to do, added to the other routine necessities of daily life, it really is hard for me to even think about just sitting still for awhile. I don’t really get this–it’s not like most of these things have any sort of time line. I’m just doing them because I want to–why do I let them take over my life and make me crazy? Why do I feel compelled to keep moving? Even as my ever-expanding body is shouting at me to STOP AND SIT DOWN PREGNANT WOMAN!
I know how good it is to have down time, time to meditate, relax, and just exist outside of all of life’s commotion for a bit. It’s just so hard for me to get to that point because of this persistent fear of “wasting time.” What is that, anyway? What is this time that I’m afraid is going to be wasted? How is any time really wasted anyway? What am I worried is going to happen if I spend an hour relaxing and then, what, I can never get that hour back? So what! There are plenty of new hours coming right up!
Last night I made myself do it. Sarah’s been having a hard time falling asleep at night, and gets frustrated by it (which I remember feeling at her age. Oh please tell me my poor girl is not in for a lifetime of insomnia too!) so I decided to try staying with her while she went to sleep–something I haven’t done in a long time because at one point we realized she seemed to go to sleep easier without me there.
I got out the cd I used for Hypnobirthing practice last time (yes, only for the practice. The cd was intended to be used as a cue to help me get into that state of relaxation during labor, but it all happened so quickly we didn’t get around to it!) and we played that while the girls went to sleep and I practiced breathing myself into a semi-hypnotic state of relaxation.
It was nice. I had to actively push away a million thoughts about wasting time and all the things I should be doing. But I managed, and it felt good.
I don’t understand myself. I don’t know where this drive to “always be doing” comes from. I’ve never considered myself an extremely active person or anything. I actually think I’m rather lazy. I don’t think this need I have is healthy, actually. It seems like it stems from some underlying negative feelings about myself. I don’t know though, I think it’s too late in the night for me to be getting all psycho-analytical.
There is one time when this doesn’t apply at all though–mornings. I don’t do mornings, never have. I think I kid myself that the day doesn’t really start (and therefore time is not being wasted) until I actually get out of bed in the morning. Thus, I can continue to lay there, either sleeping more, or just snuggling with the kids who have piled in there, or maybe even reading books with them, without feeling any dread that I’m not immediately up and going about “getting things done.”
It’s just another sign that this need I have to be doing all the time isn’t truly who I am–I’m not really an energetic, busy person–I just have some kind of weird, unconscious need that I strive to fulfill by running around like a crazy little bunny all day. Someone call in Freud for a diagnosis, please.
Filed in: pregnancy • self-reflection | January 20, 2009
Trina
restless leg syndrome? lol J/k I have no idea I think it stems from being a mother. I’m much more like that than Corey is, perhaps it was my up bringing though? Who knows, if you figure it out let me know.
Simply Mother
Yeah, I will. For now, I think I’m going to start writing down things like “shower” and “play with kids” and “relax” on my to do list.
Otherwise I seem to let less important things trump essentials, and it’s how you end up with a woman who had 3 new handmade nightgowns–but hasn’t had a shower in 3 days. (At least.)