Simply Mother

Originally published on an old blog that was set on fire years ago. Republished for this post. Just please disregard my first-time-mom, smug, Aren’t I so smart tone. Don’t worry, I figured out how much I didn’t know pretty quickly.

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All kids want to feel like they have power over their lives. All adults want to feel this way. I think it is a basic human need to be in control of ones own body. And as any parent of a toddler will tell you, kids this age seem desperate to test out and assert this power.

But I think Sariah takes it to the extreme. I try to support her autonomy as much as possible—even if it does mean going out with a kid dressed like this:

But this can be very trying in day-to-day life with a very determined, strong-willed three-year-old.

I’m thinking about this a lot now because lately, she has been resisting a lot. I don’t know, maybe she is trying to tell me, in the best way she knows how, that she is getting older and needs a little more independence. I’m just trying to precariously navigate us through this phase without making things worse!

She is very sensitive to—and will pretty much just “turn off” (or regress, depending on the situation) in the presence of—any sort of pressure, including: bribing, pleading, begging, guilt-inducing, threatening, or punishing.

This is fine, since we don’t make a habit of doing any of those things (although other people sometimes try these on her, and are always pretty astounded with her reaction, which is basically to not have one).

However, sometimes there are things that just have to be done (or at least, things I’m not willing to negotiate on), and if I’m not very careful in the way I phrase things, or if she feels pressured at all, she will either turn off (so it looks as if she’s not even processing what I’ve said to her. And who knows? Maybe she’s not.) or she’ll react the way most of us would if we felt like someone was trying to control us, which is to resist.

Fully, strongly, passionately.

Exhibit A: Dance Class

Sariah absolutely loves her dance class. She loves her teacher, she loves being with her friends, she loves wearing her leotard, and of course she loves dancing.

However, there have been four or five times when she has told me she didn’t want to go, usually the morning of, once the night before. The times she has said this coincide exactly with the times I have said something to the effect of, “If we don’t ______, then we won’t be able to go to your dance class.”

This has never been an outward attempt at manipulation (e.g., “If you don’t stop making a mess, you’re not going to dance class today.”)—I try to avoid doing that.

Rather, it has been things like, “We got up late today, so if we don’t hurry and eat breakfast, then we won’t make it to your dance class on time.” I’ve said that without problems, of course (since we always seem to be running late), but if I say it too many times, or put too much pressure on her to hurry, then she will tell me at some point that she doesn’t want to go.

(The one time she said it the night before, it was right after I said something like, “You need to get to sleep and get some good rest so you won’t be tired at dance class in the morning.”)

This week, the situation was: We had to wash her hair before going. Had to. (It had bacon grease in it. Yes, I spilled bacon grease on my daughter’s head. Right. We’ll just pretend that didn’t happen.) (It wasn’t hot!)

Anyway, she was resisting because I brought out the baking soda, saying we might need to use it to get the grease out, and she was quite wary of the little box of white powder. So I just mentioned, as nonchalantly as possible, that we’d have to wash her hair before we went to dance class (or anywhere, really. We’re weren’t going around town with stringy, greasy hair, not to mention that she smelled like bacon, even if it was my fault,) and I went downstairs to get the waking baby.

Well, she ended up letting me wash her hair without a fight, but when she got out and I said let’s get your dance clothes on, she said she didn’t want to go to dance class. I just responded as I always do, with a gentle, upbeat, “That’s fine honey, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. We’ll just go over there and let Miss Amber know you’re not going to be there today.”

And then as I was getting Jane dressed and she started to put on her clothes, I suggested she put her leotard on under her regular clothes “just in case” she decided she wanted to go. She said, “Oh yeah, I should do that,” and started getting her dance stuff out.

She was all smiles as I helped her get her tights and leotard on so I said warmly, “Do you think you might go in to your class?” and she immediately went back to her scowl and said firmly, “No.”

So I dropped it and we went over to the dance studio and she went right in.

Just like she has every other time.

She’s never had to miss a class, though I am positive if I had pushed it, she would have continued resisting.

Exhibits B and C will have to wait until next time. For now, I will just say that while she fully resists any attempts to try to make her do something, she is generally rather agreeable if I simply ask her nicely, letting her know it’s up to her, maybe giving her my reasons, and then just wait a minute or two—so she feels like it’s her decision.

For example, the other day, when I was ready to leave the library, but she was still playing on the little kid computers and enjoying the company of another little girl her age. I just stooped down to where she was and explained that Jane was getting fussy and I was ready to go. Then I said I would go get our jackets and be waiting for her over by the water fountains (about 15 feet away, to give her space, because I knew that if I hovered right next to her, she would never leave of her own accord.)

I only waited a minute or so, and she came happily. I just need to remember to do it that way every time!

Filed in: parenting | January 23, 2007