Children are Little People.
Profound, right?
Well, I said I would write about how I view children, and I know there are all kinds of great philosophical debates about human nature and whether children come innately bad or basically good, or if they just come as a “blank slate” and they’re solely a product of their experience, but to explain children in regards to my thoughts on parenting, this sentence is surprisingly inclusive.
Children are little people.
They are people
And just like you and me, they have reasons for everything they do. As far as good vs. bad, again, just like you and me, I think they are naturally inclined to want to do good, to be “social,” which encompasses desiring to please others (in a healthy way), to be helpful and loving, but — just like you and me — they’re unable to do this all the time. Their emotions are real, and their needs and wants are legitimate. Just like ours.
They are little
And they’re learning. They are also going through normal and important developmental stages that make certain behaviors that would be abhorrent in adults really rather innocent in children. Like a baby dropping her spoon on the floor, on purpose, over and over again. Or a toddler swiping a toy out of his friend’s hand.
Saying they’re “little people” doesn’t mean I think they’re just short adults. They are different in very real ways — but these differences only make children more deserving of our patience and acceptance. Because of their limitations, we have an even greater obligation to show understanding and compassion to these little ones than we do to older, more experienced people.
Strangely, the opposite is more often the case — we are much more willing to give “the benefit of the doubt” to adults than to children. When dad comes home grumpy and snaps at one of the kids, it’s relatively easy to believe that he’s just had a hard day, and probably needs a few minutes to unwind with the paper before delving into family life.
But when a little girl snaps at her sister, the natural response seems to be to judge her as mean or rude and dole out punishment.
My aim in parenting is to see my children as just as “real” as anyone else. To give that daughter the same kind of understanding and acceptance I would give her father. More, even, because she needs it more.
So what are my responsibilities toward my kids?
Of course I am their teacher, their guide. I help them learn what is right, I help them see the effects of their actions on others. “I see you want that truck. Sister is playing with it right now, and she’ll be sad if we take it. Here’s a car you can play with while you wait.”
I see my job as one of nurturing the good that is already in my children: showing them what good means in this world, in our society, and in all the different contexts and new circumstances they encounter. For example, teaching that we show appreciation by saying thank you, and reminding them (privately, so they don’t feel pressured or patronized) at times when they might want to express it.
I also help them learn how to overcome the normal temptations we all deal with. Like considering together things we can do when we feel ourselves getting angry, so we don’t end up saying things we don’t mean, or hurting people we love.
My goal is to do all of this in such a way that my children feel respected as people and welcome my guidance. This means I do try to avoid a lot of the conventional methods that rely on carrot/stick-type techniques to get them to do things. Instead I try to talk to them (like they’re real people!), using reasoning, persuasion, sometimes playfulness, plenty of repetition — and lots of patience with their limitations.
Of course, believe me, I fall short of this on a regular basis, but I think it’s a worthy goal. And certainly attainable much of the time because our kids really do want to do what’s right — and they recognize their parents as the ones who will walk beside them and help them find the way.
Filed in: parenting | March 4, 2010
